SNOW!
If there is any indication of how boring life is, it's the local news outlets' reaction to an impending snow storm. Take for instance, this weekend for my area (the lower Hudson Valley and Northern New Jersey).
Pretty much since I woke up Monday morning there were whispers about some snow that was headed in our direction. The "system" (as they call it) was over Texas and the southern states at the time and was going to dump 19 feet of snow on us come the weekend. Now, if you live in the Northeast like I do, you get used to hyperbole in the weather forecasts, especially during the winter. Every weekend is going to be apocalyptic, according to them. Weathermen are about as accurate as a quarter, so listening to them is an exercise in futility.
What's noteworthy is the amount of airtime news outlets give snowstorms or potential blizzards. It's as if nothing else on the planet is occurring, at all. All murderers, rapists, crooked cops, or humans in general cease their activities to make way for the snow-maggeddon.
The other day I turned on the 5 0'clock news (which is a half hour show) to see how much snow we might get. For 29 minutes I was subjected to watching field reporters knee-deep in snow across the tri-state area telling the world "It's snowing".
It's also great when a field reporter is stationed outside a Home Depot or supermarket before the storm hits. The place is mobbed with lemmings who are petrified that they might not have enough bread to last the weekend so they buy 18 loaves. And every one they interview just bought a shovel. As if they have lived in this area there entire life without a shovel. Apparently they just stayed inside all winter until the snow melted without having to shovel anything. My theory is that these people buy a shovel before every snowstorm, just in case.
Anyway, my area didn't get touched. Not one inch. Not even a flake. Not the best day for the shovel purchasers who must have thrown them in the pile with the other ones.
Can you tell I have Cabin Fever?
Your 2010 Super Bowl Party Guide
As I stated in a previous post (can't remember which one), I steer away from watching sports at bars or parties. I do this because I have a hard time watching them with faux fans and their newly purchased jerseys. "Posers" if you will. Call it anti-social if you'd like, I call it stress reducing.
Anyway, many of you have been or will be invited to a Super Bowl party for this Sunday. One of your friends will open his house to 20 to 30 quasi-acquaintances and let them use his bathroom, watch his new HD television and get queso dip stains on his couch. It's my job to provide you with tips to ensure the most optimal viewing experience.
Find the real fans. I'm assuming you'll know at least 70% of the party-goers so you'll have a easy job filtering out who exactly knows what's going on during the game. There is nothing worse than accidentally getting into a conversation with someone who either knows nothing about the game or pretends to know. You'll either be inundated with questions about the two-minute warning, the challenge rules, and chop blocks or you'll be constantly correcting the guy who makes false blanket statements about Peyton Manning or the NFL in general. It's usually fun to be smarter than someone, but in this case it's just annoying. So find a few guys/girls who are legitimately knowledgeable about football and position yourself near them.
Eat lightly (early on). Like every Super Bowl party, there is about 900 different choices of food to snack on. "Oh look, someone brought a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread!" With the amount of chips, pretzels, breads, meats, and cheeses, it's easy to get ahead of yourself and before you know it, you're stuffed even before kickoff. The key is to snack lightly early on before the game and into the first half. Also, the big stuff (meats and the like) doesn't usually hit the table until midway through the second quarter. Then, after absorbing the equivalent of a horse's salt-lick in chips, you can partake in the fabulous brisket, or whatever. Like a marathon runner, it's all about pacing yourself. Don't go sprinting out of the gate. Cramps will ensue. And also like a marathon runner, your bowels will evacuate toward the finish line.
Locate the second bathroom. You know as well as I do that as soon as the host lets in the guests, there will be a line for the bathroom until the game ends. So it's key to snoop around for a while before getting settled and look for the second bathroom. If you know the host well, it won't be awkward to approach them about it. But if your at a friend of a friend's house, make sure you tread quietly while searching for that magic second toilet. It's usually on a different floor or near a kid's bedroom, so "stealth" is the optimal word. You'll be grateful you did this during halftime when the line for the primary bathroom stretches out to the neighbor's house.
If you put money on the game, don't let anyone know. Well, of course you put money on the game. But it's important that you tell no one who you bet on or how much. You don't want to look like the degenerate gambler you ends up throwing the remote at the cat when the Saints cover on a meaningless touchdown. Likewise, if you told someone you bet on the Saints and they end up losing, you'll be ridiculed all night for being stupid. Avoid letting anyone know where your gambling loyalties lie. It never ends well.
Well that's it. I'm sure I've forgot dozens of things, but I'm too lazy to think any harder. The main thing is to enjoy yourself. It's a party! There's food, football, and friends. Can't argue with that.
Jersey Shore: A Final Analysis
Please forgive me for failing to provide a recap of the final few episodes of the Jersey Shore. To be honest, I was actually busy. Like, legitimately. I was literally doing things other than sitting on the couch or taking showers to pass the time.
Anyway, I would be remiss if I didn't give a final recap of what I call, "the greatest cultural tidal wave of the 21st century", also known as, Jersey Shore.
Admittedly, the finale was boring. About half of it was the seven of them hugging each other and saying "family" a lot. And other than The Situation and Snooki hooking up (which had me grabbing a couch cushion in fear), I couldn't have been bothered.
Also, you got to love The Situation. A man who shows no discrimination towards women. Whether it be race, religion, weight, or age. Especially age. This is demonstrated by his persistence when speaking to a girl on the beach who was easily closer to her birth than she was to his age.
JWoww: She is like 5.
The Situation: She's got a good body, so.
Thank God this was the finale. Given one more episode and The Situation would have been in handcuffs and the authorities would be confiscating his hard drives.
So what's next for Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly D, Snooki, Vinny, JWoww, and The Situation. Earlier in the season, I would have guessed "death by orgy" or "death by fist-pumping", but as the season has progressed, I'll admit that they aren't as hopelessly devoid of self-awareness that I once thought. Some are well-spoken (Vinny), well-received (Pauly D), and etc. (The Situation). I believe all seven of them have the smarts to cash in on this as much as possible and perhaps have the smarts to get out before it encompasses them.
Anyway, lets do some final character profiles:
The Situation: Can I go out on a limb here and say he's in the discussion for greatest reality television star of all-time? No? Well I'm doing it anyway. For someone as overtly outspoken as he was for the entire season, he was a complete enigma. What exactly were The Situation's motives? What was driving him? Is he really that self-centered? How old is he again? I could ask questions like that all day. And quite frankly, the man deserves his own show. Maybe Assessing The Situation or SNAFU: Situation Not Always Fooling Around. The latter being a show where they dig deeper into who The Situation really is. Behind the beats and bronzer.
Snooki: I still find it hard to believe that Snooki is actually a person. It would seem much more plausible to me if I was told she was plucked out of a Guidette Tree. 4'2, tanner than Danny Tanner, and proud of it. Her goal was to find a man at the Jersey shore. A "jacked, hot, tan, juice-head" as she calls him(?). Someone she can move to the shore with and live her life. Sadly, Snooki didn't take home "the one". But considering her constant pining for her own reality show, I'm sure MTV is already brainstorming how to fit Snooki and 30 guidos into one hot tub. Surely she'll find love in no time!
Ronnie and Sammi: I felt the need to include them in the same profile seeing that one wasn't in a scene without the other. Since episode two it was either Ronnie and Sammi or Sammi and Ronnie. And we, as a collective nation, got bored with it. We learned real quick that Sammi was legitimately not a good person and would mess with that meathead's meathead. I personally would fast-forward every time I saw the two of them in a shot. They were either arguing, making up, or getting into bed with each other. To be fair, Ronnie did provide us with some kickass beatdowns of a couple of poor Jersey schlubs. "ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT BRO!"
Vinny: In a battle for the cast member with the most redeemable personality traits, Vinny barely edges out Pauly D. Vinny's a good guy. Plays basketball, loves his mother and just wants to fist-pump until he passes out every night. There were a few memorable Vinny moments throughout the season. Like the time he...um...let me think...um...never mind. Actually, he did hook up with his bosses's date and The Situation's sister. Which would seem scandalous in any other reality show, but was just standard operating procedure on Jersey Shore. He did a great job to be the jester in this Shakespearean saga. Calling out everyone on all their bullshit from time to time. Which was nice, because we as viewers felt like we were going insane. "IS ANYONE ELSE WATCHING WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!"
J-Woww: I felt as if J-Woww wasn't properly showcased during our short time with her. Which was weird because she's everything you would want in a reality television star: promiscuous, violent, scantily-clad dresser, outspoken. There were times where she would disappear for most of the scenes then reappear during dinner grace. I have a theory where she is both J-Woww and The Situation. Look closely, the two of the them are NEVER in the same scene together. And when J-Woww hit The Situation in Atlantic City, that was clearly a stunt double.
Pauly D: Ah, my favorite cast member. Bottomline: the man kept it honest. He was there to have a good time, meet some girls, party a few times a week, and DJ when he could. He wasn't contrived, arrogant, or confrontational. Not to mention, a good friend. The man was actually considered jumping on The Grenade for The Situation. (Read that sentence again: Could anyone EVER try to decipher what the hell that even means without having watched Jersey Shore?) My hope for Pauly D is that he becomes the most noticeable DJ in the world, supplanting DJ Skribble as the only DJ I know.
In conclusion, it was fun while it lasted. And although the fans are begging for another season, I could really do without one. The success can't be duplicated. And we all know where this is headed. It'll evolve into a show like The Hills or The City where everything is scripted and it less interesting because of it. Please, just leave it be and let us dream of the wonderful things it could have become.
Video of the Day
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!
Because of my borderline obsession with all things sports, I have a very different viewing experience than many others who watch them on a casual level. Usually, people will head on over to a sports bar or a friends house to watch the big game. They chat, eat delicious food, and half-watch will mingling with everyone else. It's a lovely time. These people demonstrate a healthy relationship with something they enjoy. And these people will be showcasing their healthy relationship with sports this Sunday as they head on over to the sports bars and friends houses to watch the AFC and NFC Championships.
Not me.
If you'd like to reach me between the hours of 3:00pm and 10:00pm this Sunday, I'll be in my dark basement, seven feet from my television, sweating, yelling, and possibly crying all by myself as I suffer through the championship games. More importantly, the AFC Championship game between the Colts and Jets of which I have vested interest as you know.
I can't watch mid-summer baseball games with casual fans, let alone games of importance. Actually, casual fans are alright. At least the ones who admit their ignorance. And die-hard fans can empathize with me here when I say that there is nothing worse than watching a game with someone who pretends to know what they're talking about.
"That Peyton Manning has got like 3 or 4 Super Bowls"
"Jets are probably happy Mark Sanchez left Florida"
"I've been the biggest Jets fan forever"
No! No you haven't! Not ever! That Mark Sanchez jersey you're wearing was purchased a few days ago! You didn't even take off the tag!
I know I sound like a whiny, know-it-all sports fan, but I earned it to behave this way. I may not be old enough to have appreciated how terrible the Jets were during the Lou Holtz, Joe Walton, Pete Carroll, Rich Kotite, and Al Groh eras, but I've suffered enough. I have a full emotional stake in this team. It's as if the Yankees fielded a football team. I've rooted for this team for as long as I understood the rules (still learning actually). And I was lucky enough to attend the final game at the Meadowlands. A game which secured the Jets spot in the playoffs.
Cue win against the Bengals.
Cue win against the Chargers
And now we're here. And by "we" I mean real Jets fans. Not the ones who suddenly can't think of the Jets head coach's name. Or the ones who look to everyone else to know when to cheer. Those people are the reason why I watch games by myself. Because I can't keep constantly correcting your false statements, or fighting back scowls as you say "We did it!" I'd rather make a big bowl of chili, sit on my couch, and watch the game in my dark basement with my dad.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
Anywho, I've resisted the urge to make predictions in the past because well, they're pointless. Especially from me. Because 90% of the time, I have no idea who's going to win. And that's what makes sports great. Unpredictability. Just ask George Mason, the 1980 U.S. Hockey team, Villanova, 1969 Jets, and the Marlins (not the professional team, my little league team that came out of nowhere to beat the heavily favored Athletics in the 1998 Nanuet Little League Championship).
Honestly, I didn't think the Jets would beat the Bengals or the Chargers. I thought Sanchez would make a few mistakes that would ultimately cost them. Excluding the pick he threw last Sunday, he has yet to do so. They've stuck to what they do best: run. Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene pounded the defensive line of Cincinnati and San Diego into submission. And I expect them to do the same against the Colts who are ranked 32nd against the run. They will do their best to keep the ball out of Sanchez's hands and on the ground.
Obviously, the key to this game will be Peyton Manning. In fact, any game he is in, he is the key. Arguably the greatest quarterback who has ever lived and smarter than any coach on the sideline (except Rex. Wink). We all know the Jets will blitz hard more than 50% of the time, but Manning is better against the blitz than anyone in the sport. He targets his receivers quickly and releases before pass rushers have a chance to get to him. That's why the Colts have only given up 10 sacks this season. In short: he's the exact opposite of Curtis Painter.
So if the Jets want to win this Sunday, they'll have to do exactly what they did against the Bengals and Chargers. Hang in long enough until the running attack starts racking up yards. If you don't remember, the Jets fell behind to both teams early and continued to run the ball even when it showed no effectiveness. Eventually, cracks started to appear in the defense and Shonn Greene found them.
Over the past week I've been saying to everyone, "Right now, It's all gravy". As in, "I'm happy with what the Jets have accomplished this season, I'll be content regardless of the outcome". Which is an outright lie. True, it's fantastic that they have made it this far with a rookie head coach, a rookie quarterback, and a rookie running back. It would seem they have many years of success ahead of them. But it's not guaranteed. Shonn Greene can tear his ACL. Mark Sanchez can turn into JaMarcus Russell. And Rex Ryan could suffer an enormous heart attack (a legitimate possibility). And while I pray to God these things don't happen, it still illustrates my point. We only have the here and now. Nothing is promised. Remarkably, they are here now. God I hope they win.
And there is some NFC Championship game going on afterwards. My interest in that game will obviously hinge on whether the Jets win or not. Prediction for that game: Saints win and Brett Favre throws a pick to seal it in the fourth quarter. Write it down!
Wide Left! It’s Short! Wide Right!
Shayne Graham and Nate Kaeding have a lot in common. Good times for us Jet fans.
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- SNOW! February 6, 2010
- Video of the Day February 3, 2010
- Your 2010 Super Bowl Party Guide February 1, 2010
- Video of the Day January 29, 2010
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