Sean B. Fitzgerald It doesn’t go something like this, it goes exactly like this.

Jersey Shore: A Final Analysis

Please forgive me for failing to provide a recap of the final few episodes of the Jersey Shore. To be honest, I was actually busy. Like, legitimately. I was literally doing things other than sitting on the couch or taking showers to pass the time.

Anyway, I would be remiss if I didn't give a final recap of what I call, "the greatest cultural tidal wave of the 21st century", also known as, Jersey Shore.

Admittedly, the finale was boring. About half of it was the seven of them hugging each other and saying "family" a lot. And other than The Situation and Snooki hooking up (which had me grabbing a couch cushion in fear), I couldn't have been bothered.

Also, you got to love The Situation. A man who shows no discrimination towards women. Whether it be race, religion, weight, or age. Especially age. This is demonstrated by his persistence when speaking to a girl on the beach who was easily closer to her birth than she was to his age.

JWoww: She is like 5.

The Situation: She's got a good body, so.

Thank God this was the finale. Given one more episode and The Situation would have been in handcuffs and the authorities would be confiscating his hard drives.

So what's next for Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly D, Snooki, Vinny, JWoww, and The Situation. Earlier in the season, I would have guessed "death by orgy" or "death by fist-pumping", but as the season has progressed, I'll admit that they aren't as hopelessly devoid of self-awareness that I once thought. Some are well-spoken (Vinny), well-received (Pauly D), and etc. (The Situation). I believe all seven of them have the smarts to cash in on this as much as possible and perhaps have the smarts to get out before it encompasses them.

Anyway, lets do some final character profiles:

The Situation: Can I go out on a limb here and say he's in the discussion for greatest reality television star of all-time? No? Well I'm doing it anyway. For someone as overtly outspoken as he was for the entire season, he was a complete enigma. What exactly were The Situation's motives? What was driving him? Is he really that self-centered? How old is he again? I could ask questions like that all day. And quite frankly, the man deserves his own show. Maybe Assessing The Situation or SNAFU: Situation Not Always Fooling Around. The latter being a show where they dig deeper into who The Situation really is. Behind the beats and bronzer.

Snooki: I still find it hard to believe that Snooki is actually a person. It would seem much more plausible to me if I was told she was plucked out of a Guidette Tree. 4'2, tanner than Danny Tanner, and proud of it. Her goal was to find a man at the Jersey shore. A "jacked, hot, tan, juice-head" as she calls him(?). Someone she can move to the shore with and live her life. Sadly, Snooki didn't take home "the one". But considering her constant pining for her own reality show, I'm sure MTV is already brainstorming how to fit Snooki and 30 guidos into one hot tub. Surely she'll find love in no time!

Ronnie and Sammi: I felt the need to include them in the same profile seeing that one wasn't in a scene without the other. Since episode two it was either Ronnie and Sammi or Sammi and Ronnie. And we, as a collective nation, got bored with it. We learned real quick that Sammi was legitimately not a good person and would mess with that meathead's meathead. I personally would fast-forward every time I saw the two of them in a shot. They were either arguing, making up, or getting into bed with each other. To be fair, Ronnie did provide us with some kickass beatdowns of a couple of poor Jersey schlubs. "ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT BRO!"

Vinny: In a battle for the cast member with the most redeemable personality traits, Vinny barely edges out Pauly D. Vinny's a good guy. Plays basketball, loves his mother and just wants to fist-pump until he passes out every night. There were a few memorable Vinny moments throughout the season. Like the time he...um...let me think...um...never mind. Actually, he did hook up with his bosses's date and The Situation's sister. Which would seem scandalous in any other reality show, but was just standard operating procedure on Jersey Shore. He did a great job to be the jester in this Shakespearean saga. Calling out everyone on all their bullshit from time to time. Which was nice, because we as viewers felt like we were going insane. "IS ANYONE ELSE WATCHING WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!"

J-Woww: I felt as if J-Woww wasn't properly showcased during our short time with her. Which was weird because she's everything you would want in a reality television star: promiscuous, violent, scantily-clad dresser, outspoken. There were times where she would disappear for most of the scenes then reappear during dinner grace. I have a theory where she is both J-Woww and The Situation. Look closely, the two of the them are NEVER in the same scene together. And when J-Woww hit The Situation in Atlantic City, that was clearly a stunt double.

Pauly D: Ah, my favorite cast member. Bottomline: the man kept it honest. He was there to have a good time, meet some girls, party a few times a week, and DJ when he could. He wasn't contrived, arrogant, or confrontational. Not to mention, a good friend. The man was actually considered jumping on The Grenade for The Situation. (Read that sentence again: Could anyone EVER try to decipher what the hell that even means without having watched Jersey Shore?) My hope for Pauly D is that he becomes the most noticeable DJ in the world, supplanting DJ Skribble as the only DJ I know.

In conclusion, it was fun while it lasted. And although the fans are begging for another season, I could really do without one. The success can't be duplicated. And we all know where this is headed. It'll evolve into a show like The Hills or The City where everything is scripted and it less interesting because of it. Please, just leave it be and let us dream of the wonderful things it could have become.