Sean B. Fitzgerald It doesn’t go something like this, it goes exactly like this.

Back to the Shore: Episode 1

Finally! Jersey Shore is back! This is like Season 8, right? It's tough to keep up these days. That's why I've discovered a fool-proof way to figure out what season it is. All you need to do is take a cross-section of the skin of any cast member, and however may layers of spray-on tan there is, that's what season it is. Kind of like a tree.

Anyway, after taking over the Jersey Shore in season 1, the gang moved on down to Miami to spread their recently mutated forms of herpes. And after they did whatever they did down there, MTV decided to pack their bags and head up to Seaside Heights again. Where it all began. Where what began, you ask? No one really knows.

After digesting episode 1 (takes about a day. Hours on the toilet), this season looks similar, if not identical to the previous two seasons. Ronnie and Sammi "Sweetheart" are still a human-snooze button, Pauly D and Vinny are still fun-loving, Snooki is a train wreck, The Situation is sort of a person, and J-Woww is Chuck Lidell with implants.

This is ONE difference however. Deena. Deena, according to the slurs and stutters of Snooki, is her best friend back home in Poughkeepsie, New York. Deena looks very much like Snooki. Short, charcoal tan, long hair, abnormally large breasts considering her petite stature, and a human "Before" picture. The greatest thing about Deena is that she isn't Angelina. And that will get her far in this show.

Probably the most predictable scene of episode 1 was the shot of Sammi Sweetheart tucked under the covers at 6pm with Ronnie whilst eavesdropping on the rest of the house. I'd like their job, because at this point let's face it, these people are "working". We're watching them "work". They're actually getting paid. And Sammi's job is to act like an unrepentant bitch towards everyone who comes in contact with her. And boy is she good at her job. She should get promoted. At least a raise.

And her hard work paid off later in the episode that eventually culminated with her getting punched in the face by J-Woww. I won't get into the details, because A) you've already seen the episode or B) even if you haven't, you could probably take a REALLY good guess without trying. Something along the lines of:

1. Cast member X gets naked in front of cast member Y for no reason.
2. Cast member X wants to cuddle with cast member Y.
3. Cast member Z laughs at X for being (i.e. drunk, stupid, ugly, fat, annoying, Italian).
4. Cast member X confronts Z.
5. Z and X fight.
6. J-Woww throws a punch.

That formula has come to fruition at least 6 times per season thus far. Now remember, the formula is only a theory. But I believe with a few more experiments, scientists may make it a law.

Thankfully, this season looks more shameless than ever. And that's what we all want to see, right? I mean, it's been America's dirty pleasure for the past two years and it's all thanks to the grenades, smush rooms, GTL-ing, T-shirt timing, and the utter debauchery that are these people's lives. It's going to be interesting to see how exactly this all comes to an end. I find it hard to believe that they will all go their separate ways and leave happy and healthy lives. It couldn't be that mundane. I'd like to think that they all get eaten by the jacuzzi.