Sean B. Fitzgerald It doesn’t go something like this, it goes exactly like this.

2011 MLB Season (Over/Under)

I knew this day would come. Someone would call me out on my lack of posting. I naturally assumed no one read my work and that those view counter simply indicated the absurd amount of porn-bots that frequent my site. But sure enough, there are actual human people that read the words I write for some reason. And they (by "they" I mean my friend John) are calling for me to give my predictions for the 2011 MLB season.

So that's what I'm going to do. I know the season starts tomorrow. But look, I'm a very busy man.

/plays SNAKE on an old Nokia phone for four hours

I'm fairly certain I say this prior to every single prediction post I write, but remember, these posts and my opinions in general are based off of little to no factual material at all. I have essentially done zero research in preparation for this post. The only thing I looked up were the Vegas over/under win totals for every MLB team. And all that researching has got me exhausted. So I'm going to keep this short.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES: 67.5 (Over)

Why not right? They deserve it. After 36 straight losing seasons, how about a crisp 81 win output? It really is frightening how inept they have been as a franchise for the last two decades. And it's not like they've developed can't-miss talent and had to trade it away, they don't develop anyone. There are high schools in California that have more major league talent. But hey, maybe this will be there year. They do have that Andrew fellow. McSomethingorother. Sounds promising.

KANSAS CITY ROYALS: 70 (Over)

I have read in certain publications recently that the Royals have the best farm system in the sport. That the higher-ups in the Kansas City organization have stock-piled both arms and bats. We can only hope these players work out for them. Because if there is a team more pathetic than the Pirates, it's the Royals. At times, I honestly forget they're even a team.

HOUSTON ASTROS: 71.5 (Under)

I went to Houston last fall. It was hot. And that's basically what I know about the city. Which is about as much as I know about the team. I know they have guys like Hunter Pence and Carlos Lee. And that they play at Minute Maid Park. And that they got rid of Roy Oswalt. So I'm going to take the under.

WASHINGTON NATIONALS: 71.5 (Under)

Call me when Strasburg pitches. Which, according to my Tommy John watch, shouldn't be until next season. I think I predicted a similar fate for Strasburg prior to his call-up last season. In my scenario, he comes back from the surgery 50 pounds overweight and eventually moves to Mexico to dominate for the Gauchos. Something like that.

SEATTLE MARINERS: 71.5 (Over)

Remember when the Mariners had, like, respectability? Now like have Felix Hernandez, Ichiro and their stadium. That's about it. As a Yankee fan, I used to be petrified of Seattle. Edgar Martinez would often send me to my room to fetch a new pair of pants. Now, Mr. Martinez is all but a faint memory of the Mariners of yesteryear.

CLEVELAND INDIANS: 73 (Over)

I really have nothing to say about the Indians. Honestly. I've been sitting here for the past few minutes just staring at my computer. They have a new coach right? Acta? I could be wrong. And Sizemore is coming back from injury. Oh god, it's all so boring. What a boring team. A boring team in a boring city. How awful.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS: 74 (Over)

Another team I have no opinion on. How about this weather? I mean really. It's like March 30th. Where's even a little bit of warmth? It's making me want to move. Maybe to...Arizona? Boom! Dots connected. I'm taking the over.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES: 74 (Over)

I tell you what, the AL East is going to be a buzz saw. How's that for dynamite analysis? But seriously, the Orioles are a very good young team. And there's a very good chance that they come in last place. Stick them in the NL West and they'll run away with the division in August.

SAN DIEGO PADRES: 75.5 (Under)

Really stupid of me to take the under here. The Padres always over perform. EDITORS NOTE: Please be aware of my constant broad generalizations and over usage of hyperbole and exaggeration. Expect words like "always", "never", "greatest", and "the history of the world".

TORONTO BLUE JAYS: 77 (Under)

Rogers Centre has to be the most depressing venue in all of sports. It's so bland, sterile, and ugly. I'm no scientist, but I'm 100% certain that the sterility of their stadium is the reason why the Blue Jays have been so terrible over the past decade or so. So until they knock that thing down, I'm going to expect more of the same. Under city.

NEW YORK METS: 78 (Over)

There can be books longer than War and Peace written about the 2011 New York Mets. They are a sports writers wet dream. Money problems, underperforming stars, unhappy players, a testy fan base. It's like a bad (or good) telenovela.

CHICAGO CUBS: 82 (Under)

This is it. This is their year. They're going to win 81 games, but this is their year. "Their year" doesn't have to mean winning the World Series. It could mean whatever they want it to mean. Anyway, they suck. They'll suck again. But at least they'll sell out Wrigley again. So no need for the franchise to panic.

FLORIDA MARLINS: 82.5 (Over)

Oh man. I'm not even half way through and I'm already running on fumes. This is what happens when you leave things off until the last minute. I should be relaxing on my couch watching Top Chef, but I'm hastily tapping away on my iPad trying to meet your deadlines. You are like a demanding editor.

LOS ANGELES ANGELS: 82.5 (Over)

I still can't believe the Angels didn't make the playoffs last season. They've been essentially a shoe-in for the past decade. And now, they're in danger of not making the playoffs two years running. Luckily, their division is unreliable. They could sneak in.

OAKLAND ATHLETICS: 82.5 (Over)
CINCINNATI REDS: 83 (Over)
DETROIT TIGERS: 83.5 (Over)
LOS ANGELES DODGERS: 83.5 (Under)
MILWAUKEE BREWERS: 84.5 (Over)
COLORADO ROCKIES: 84.5 (Under)

Clearly, I have hit a wall. At this point, it's all about getting my predictions out. Because that's what the people want. They don't want to hear about the above teams. Look at them. They're boring. In fact, baseball has become so top heavy that a majority of the league is more or less irrelevant.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS: 84.5 (Over)
TAMPA BAY RAYS: 85 (Under)
CHICAGO WHITE SOX: 85 (Over)
MINNESOTA TWINS: 85 (Over)

Currently, I am half-writing, half-nodding off. So excuse me if I rush through the remainder of this. Look, the Cardinals could easily win their division. The Rays will clearly struggle with the Red Sox and Yankees after losing 90% of their bullpen. And the White Sox as well as the Twins will fight until October to win the central. Like they always do. My bed sounds fantastic right about now.

TEXAS RANGERS: 85.5 (Over)
ATLANTA BRAVES: 87 (Over)
SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS: 87.5 (Under)
NEW YORK YANKEES: 92.5 (Over)
BOSTON RED SOX: 96.5 (Under)
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: 97.5 (Over)

Talk about going out with a whisper.

/downs NyQuil

I'm out. Enjoy Opening Day.