Sean B. Fitzgerald It doesn’t go something like this, it goes exactly like this.

Jersey Shore: Episode 3

Listen, with the amount of outrage over MTV's new reality show Jersey Shore, I would be remiss if I didn't express some of my opinions regarding it. I could do that, or I could recap every single episode from now until every cast member begins treatment for syphilis.

But if you own a television, have access to this "Music Television" channel, and don't tune into Jersey Shore every Thursday at 10:00, something is very much wrong with you. This show has something for everyone. And by everyone I mean those who believe this show is a fair representation of their lives and those who like to make fun of those who believe that. See? Something for everyone.

If you missed the first two wonderful episodes, boy, do you have some catching up to do?

But I won't be doing any recaps of the first two episodes. They were so jam-packed with important information, if I were to attempt to do any recap, my blog would be shut down for exceeding bandwidth. So instead, I will be doing my best to summarize the happenings of last night's episode.

And for posterity's sake, let me do a mini-biography of some of the cast members. Actually no, take a look at these GIF's and they will explain everything you need to know.

The Situation, Snookie, Pauly D, Ronnie, Vinny

Are you all caught up now? A GIF says a thousand words. I realize that I didn't include one for J-WoWW but when I entered the URL, my computer started to develop a rash.

Admittedly, last night's episode wasn't as entertaining as the premiere. That being said, it did provide us with some interesting plot lines.

There is still some remaining tension between Sammi Sweetheart, Mike, and Ronnie. Mike thought he had Sammi wrapped around his finger, but then Sammi decides to hook up with Ronnie. Scandalous it may seem, but Mike believes it's no "sweat off his back" and he could get any girl down at the Jersey Shore. The semi-tension was palpable when both Sammi and Mike were working at the t-shirt shop. I say "working", but it's more like hanging out. If you remove the "pay-checks", they would all be busted for loitering.

One aspect of this show that I'm sure everyone expected and has picked up on is the cast members complete lack of a filter between their brain and their mouth. I assumed there would be no thought when it came to their actions, but I thought they had the common courtesy to keep quiet some of their physical desires. There is absolutely no innuendo or insinuation in anything that they say. Or wear for that matter. Which is quite apparent in Snookie's hat that reads "Porn Star in Training". Oh Snookie, congratulations, training has been completed.

Snookie said it best when she said "You don't come to the Jersey Shore with a relationship". I'm not sure if she meant the show or the actual place. But the sentiment rings true on both accounts. It's advice Angelina "Jolie" should have heeded before she signed her life away to be on this show. Angelina, you see, has a boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend, one who is married.

They got in a fight at a bar and subsequently broke up. I don't want to get into the rest of it because Angelina is the most boring character. And now she's the most vacant character as she decided to leave the show because she didn't want to wake up at 5pm and loiter outside of a t-shirt shop on the boardwalk.

No one seemed too broken up about Angelina leaving. They bid her farewell and went back to eating dinner without their shirts. Finally! This show can get interesting.

Let me also ignore the subplot of J-Woww breaking up with her boyfriend. Even if she hadn't broken up with him, that wasn't going to be an issue to begin with. Her hooking up with Pauly D and staring at his Prince Albert is a demonstration of that.

Late in the episode, Snooki had her friend Rider over. Rider, who according to The Situation is "not ugly and petite", is just like Snooki. She just wants to have fun, enjoy her life, and make out with her friends in the hot tub because guys like that.

From day one it became apparent that the hot tub would become a cast member. We're three episodes in and the hot tub has had more face time than Vinny.  With the amount of bodily fluids that have been emitted in that thing, I wouldn't be surprised if it starts having it's own confessionals.

As I expect with every episode, this one contained no story arc or character development. It's strictly a Pulp Fiction-like structure with one scene being jammed in right next to the other. One moment we're at the bar, and the next we're at the hot tub, and now Pauly D is putting charcoal in the gas grill. There is no seamlessness in the editing. It's as jumbled and random as the cast members' lives. But I guess the director is doing the best with what he has. It seems random and jumbled, that's because it is. These people experience each moment as if the moment before never happened. So one minute they're eating a granola bar and heading to bed, the next they're eating a granola bar and grinding on someone at "Headliners". It's utterly fascinating.

I really look forward to next week's episode. In the preview, Snooki is apparently cold-clocked by a dude. I would say I'm surprised, but I wouldn't say that because I'm not.