Your 2010 Super Bowl Party Guide
As I stated in a previous post (can't remember which one), I steer away from watching sports at bars or parties. I do this because I have a hard time watching them with faux fans and their newly purchased jerseys. "Posers" if you will. Call it anti-social if you'd like, I call it stress reducing.
Anyway, many of you have been or will be invited to a Super Bowl party for this Sunday. One of your friends will open his house to 20 to 30 quasi-acquaintances and let them use his bathroom, watch his new HD television and get queso dip stains on his couch. It's my job to provide you with tips to ensure the most optimal viewing experience.
Find the real fans. I'm assuming you'll know at least 70% of the party-goers so you'll have a easy job filtering out who exactly knows what's going on during the game. There is nothing worse than accidentally getting into a conversation with someone who either knows nothing about the game or pretends to know. You'll either be inundated with questions about the two-minute warning, the challenge rules, and chop blocks or you'll be constantly correcting the guy who makes false blanket statements about Peyton Manning or the NFL in general. It's usually fun to be smarter than someone, but in this case it's just annoying. So find a few guys/girls who are legitimately knowledgeable about football and position yourself near them.
Eat lightly (early on). Like every Super Bowl party, there is about 900 different choices of food to snack on. "Oh look, someone brought a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread!" With the amount of chips, pretzels, breads, meats, and cheeses, it's easy to get ahead of yourself and before you know it, you're stuffed even before kickoff. The key is to snack lightly early on before the game and into the first half. Also, the big stuff (meats and the like) doesn't usually hit the table until midway through the second quarter. Then, after absorbing the equivalent of a horse's salt-lick in chips, you can partake in the fabulous brisket, or whatever. Like a marathon runner, it's all about pacing yourself. Don't go sprinting out of the gate. Cramps will ensue. And also like a marathon runner, your bowels will evacuate toward the finish line.
Locate the second bathroom. You know as well as I do that as soon as the host lets in the guests, there will be a line for the bathroom until the game ends. So it's key to snoop around for a while before getting settled and look for the second bathroom. If you know the host well, it won't be awkward to approach them about it. But if your at a friend of a friend's house, make sure you tread quietly while searching for that magic second toilet. It's usually on a different floor or near a kid's bedroom, so "stealth" is the optimal word. You'll be grateful you did this during halftime when the line for the primary bathroom stretches out to the neighbor's house.
If you put money on the game, don't let anyone know. Well, of course you put money on the game. But it's important that you tell no one who you bet on or how much. You don't want to look like the degenerate gambler you ends up throwing the remote at the cat when the Saints cover on a meaningless touchdown. Likewise, if you told someone you bet on the Saints and they end up losing, you'll be ridiculed all night for being stupid. Avoid letting anyone know where your gambling loyalties lie. It never ends well.
Well that's it. I'm sure I've forgot dozens of things, but I'm too lazy to think any harder. The main thing is to enjoy yourself. It's a party! There's food, football, and friends. Can't argue with that.
Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

Because of my borderline obsession with all things sports, I have a very different viewing experience than many others who watch them on a casual level. Usually, people will head on over to a sports bar or a friends house to watch the big game. They chat, eat delicious food, and half-watch will mingling with everyone else. It's a lovely time. These people demonstrate a healthy relationship with something they enjoy. And these people will be showcasing their healthy relationship with sports this Sunday as they head on over to the sports bars and friends houses to watch the AFC and NFC Championships.
Not me.
If you'd like to reach me between the hours of 3:00pm and 10:00pm this Sunday, I'll be in my dark basement, seven feet from my television, sweating, yelling, and possibly crying all by myself as I suffer through the championship games. More importantly, the AFC Championship game between the Colts and Jets of which I have vested interest as you know.
I can't watch mid-summer baseball games with casual fans, let alone games of importance. Actually, casual fans are alright. At least the ones who admit their ignorance. And die-hard fans can empathize with me here when I say that there is nothing worse than watching a game with someone who pretends to know what they're talking about.
"That Peyton Manning has got like 3 or 4 Super Bowls"
"Jets are probably happy Mark Sanchez left Florida"
"I've been the biggest Jets fan forever"
No! No you haven't! Not ever! That Mark Sanchez jersey you're wearing was purchased a few days ago! You didn't even take off the tag!
I know I sound like a whiny, know-it-all sports fan, but I earned it to behave this way. I may not be old enough to have appreciated how terrible the Jets were during the Lou Holtz, Joe Walton, Pete Carroll, Rich Kotite, and Al Groh eras, but I've suffered enough. I have a full emotional stake in this team. It's as if the Yankees fielded a football team. I've rooted for this team for as long as I understood the rules (still learning actually). And I was lucky enough to attend the final game at the Meadowlands. A game which secured the Jets spot in the playoffs.
Cue win against the Bengals.
Cue win against the Chargers
And now we're here. And by "we" I mean real Jets fans. Not the ones who suddenly can't think of the Jets head coach's name. Or the ones who look to everyone else to know when to cheer. Those people are the reason why I watch games by myself. Because I can't keep constantly correcting your false statements, or fighting back scowls as you say "We did it!" I'd rather make a big bowl of chili, sit on my couch, and watch the game in my dark basement with my dad.
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Anywho, I've resisted the urge to make predictions in the past because well, they're pointless. Especially from me. Because 90% of the time, I have no idea who's going to win. And that's what makes sports great. Unpredictability. Just ask George Mason, the 1980 U.S. Hockey team, Villanova, 1969 Jets, and the Marlins (not the professional team, my little league team that came out of nowhere to beat the heavily favored Athletics in the 1998 Nanuet Little League Championship).
Honestly, I didn't think the Jets would beat the Bengals or the Chargers. I thought Sanchez would make a few mistakes that would ultimately cost them. Excluding the pick he threw last Sunday, he has yet to do so. They've stuck to what they do best: run. Thomas Jones and Shonn Greene pounded the defensive line of Cincinnati and San Diego into submission. And I expect them to do the same against the Colts who are ranked 32nd against the run. They will do their best to keep the ball out of Sanchez's hands and on the ground.
Obviously, the key to this game will be Peyton Manning. In fact, any game he is in, he is the key. Arguably the greatest quarterback who has ever lived and smarter than any coach on the sideline (except Rex. Wink). We all know the Jets will blitz hard more than 50% of the time, but Manning is better against the blitz than anyone in the sport. He targets his receivers quickly and releases before pass rushers have a chance to get to him. That's why the Colts have only given up 10 sacks this season. In short: he's the exact opposite of Curtis Painter.
So if the Jets want to win this Sunday, they'll have to do exactly what they did against the Bengals and Chargers. Hang in long enough until the running attack starts racking up yards. If you don't remember, the Jets fell behind to both teams early and continued to run the ball even when it showed no effectiveness. Eventually, cracks started to appear in the defense and Shonn Greene found them.
Over the past week I've been saying to everyone, "Right now, It's all gravy". As in, "I'm happy with what the Jets have accomplished this season, I'll be content regardless of the outcome". Which is an outright lie. True, it's fantastic that they have made it this far with a rookie head coach, a rookie quarterback, and a rookie running back. It would seem they have many years of success ahead of them. But it's not guaranteed. Shonn Greene can tear his ACL. Mark Sanchez can turn into JaMarcus Russell. And Rex Ryan could suffer an enormous heart attack (a legitimate possibility). And while I pray to God these things don't happen, it still illustrates my point. We only have the here and now. Nothing is promised. Remarkably, they are here now. God I hope they win.
And there is some NFC Championship game going on afterwards. My interest in that game will obviously hinge on whether the Jets win or not. Prediction for that game: Saints win and Brett Favre throws a pick to seal it in the fourth quarter. Write it down!