Back to the Shore: Episode 1
Finally! Jersey Shore is back! This is like Season 8, right? It's tough to keep up these days. That's why I've discovered a fool-proof way to figure out what season it is. All you need to do is take a cross-section of the skin of any cast member, and however may layers of spray-on tan there is, that's what season it is. Kind of like a tree.
Anyway, after taking over the Jersey Shore in season 1, the gang moved on down to Miami to spread their recently mutated forms of herpes. And after they did whatever they did down there, MTV decided to pack their bags and head up to Seaside Heights again. Where it all began. Where what began, you ask? No one really knows.
After digesting episode 1 (takes about a day. Hours on the toilet), this season looks similar, if not identical to the previous two seasons. Ronnie and Sammi "Sweetheart" are still a human-snooze button, Pauly D and Vinny are still fun-loving, Snooki is a train wreck, The Situation is sort of a person, and J-Woww is Chuck Lidell with implants.
This is ONE difference however. Deena. Deena, according to the slurs and stutters of Snooki, is her best friend back home in Poughkeepsie, New York. Deena looks very much like Snooki. Short, charcoal tan, long hair, abnormally large breasts considering her petite stature, and a human "Before" picture. The greatest thing about Deena is that she isn't Angelina. And that will get her far in this show.
Probably the most predictable scene of episode 1 was the shot of Sammi Sweetheart tucked under the covers at 6pm with Ronnie whilst eavesdropping on the rest of the house. I'd like their job, because at this point let's face it, these people are "working". We're watching them "work". They're actually getting paid. And Sammi's job is to act like an unrepentant bitch towards everyone who comes in contact with her. And boy is she good at her job. She should get promoted. At least a raise.
And her hard work paid off later in the episode that eventually culminated with her getting punched in the face by J-Woww. I won't get into the details, because A) you've already seen the episode or B) even if you haven't, you could probably take a REALLY good guess without trying. Something along the lines of:
1. Cast member X gets naked in front of cast member Y for no reason.
2. Cast member X wants to cuddle with cast member Y.
3. Cast member Z laughs at X for being (i.e. drunk, stupid, ugly, fat, annoying, Italian).
4. Cast member X confronts Z.
5. Z and X fight.
6. J-Woww throws a punch.
That formula has come to fruition at least 6 times per season thus far. Now remember, the formula is only a theory. But I believe with a few more experiments, scientists may make it a law.
Thankfully, this season looks more shameless than ever. And that's what we all want to see, right? I mean, it's been America's dirty pleasure for the past two years and it's all thanks to the grenades, smush rooms, GTL-ing, T-shirt timing, and the utter debauchery that are these people's lives. It's going to be interesting to see how exactly this all comes to an end. I find it hard to believe that they will all go their separate ways and leave happy and healthy lives. It couldn't be that mundane. I'd like to think that they all get eaten by the jacuzzi.
Jersey Shore Season 2 Episode 1 Recap
I know I know. Look, I know. It's Monday. And the first episode of Season 2 of Jersey Shore was LAST Thursday. What the hell am I doing? My recap should've been up Friday at midnight, right? Right. I'm sorry. But it takes a long time to digest this show. Remember, like McDonalds, Jersey Shore isn't exactly good for you. But also like McDonalds, it's delicious.
Admittedly, I didn't watch this show as soon as it premiered on Thursday. I actually had more important things to do. But after twiddled my thumbs for two hours, I prebuffered Episode 1 on MTV.com as watched the horror beginning to end. And it was good. Very good.
I'm certain I have stated this before, but Jersey Shore is not meant to be reviewed sequentially. That's because each scene carries very little ahead from the previous one. In truth though, this season is different because we (the viewer) already have some sort of relationship with each "character". We know their back story, who they are, and what their goals are. That all being said, I'm still going to do my reviews in bullet format. Not only is it easier, I'm also able to formulate my thoughts more succinctly.
- Jesus, for 40 minutes of uncommercialized television, 10 of those minutes were them actually GETTING to Miami. Was there really not enough Ronnie drunk footage, or Angelina being awkward footage that they actually had to stretch out the parts where Pauly D and The Situation got stuck in the mud? They could have cut at least 8 of those minutes and we'd all be caught up. MTV, we know these people already, there's no need for catching up. I can't imagine anyone who is JUST started watching Jersey Shore. MTV should be catering to us, the die-hards. Those of us who know things about these people that we really shouldn't know. By the way, I learned recently that Snooki was born in Chile and adopted. I guess that solves the Nature vs. Nurture argument. Or does it?
- Quick question, difficult to answer. Will the readdition of Angelina make this season better or worse? Because personally, in terms of last season, it was addition by subtraction. She seemed like a wet blanket from day one and the show got infinitely more interesting as soon as she left. She's not fun at all. I get depressed just looking at her. Look Angelina, we already have one insufferable cast member (Sammi). The position's filled. Why don't you go back to Staten Island? Because if you're here, who's holding down the title of "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island"?
- From the looks of Episode 1, Ronnie will age about 10 years during his two month stay in Miami. Either that, or he won't make it out alive. He wasn't just drunk that first night, he was something more. Something beyond the pale. You know what I'm talking about. We all have a friend who just goes above and beyond the call of duty and tries to drink his weight in alcohol. They all eventually get that look in their eyes. And Ronnie had that look. The 100-yard stare. It's frightening to witness. I'm sure he had no idea who or where he was. It was Night of the Fist-Pumping Dead starring Ronnie (Insert Italian Last Name).
- Once again, Pauly D regains his title as "Coolest Cat in America". The guy is unflappable. Just takes everything in stride. That being said, he IS the resident senior in this group. Well, he and The Situation are the oldest. I'm fairly certain they're both in their mid to late thirties.
My favorite part of any first episode from a reality show is the "The Season on...". You basically get every single important moment from the remaining episodes compacted into 30 neat seconds. And this season looks good. Bunch of fights. Bunch of grenades. Bunch of bronzer. Sure it's the usual, but it's everything we've been waiting for.
I'll try to write up my reviews a tad earlier that usual. But here's a heads up, I'm headed to Italy on the 12th, so obviously I'll be missing two of the shows. I'll make sure to combine them as soon as I come back and release one huge recap. Don't worry.
Jersey Shore: A Final Analysis
Please forgive me for failing to provide a recap of the final few episodes of the Jersey Shore. To be honest, I was actually busy. Like, legitimately. I was literally doing things other than sitting on the couch or taking showers to pass the time.
Anyway, I would be remiss if I didn't give a final recap of what I call, "the greatest cultural tidal wave of the 21st century", also known as, Jersey Shore.
Admittedly, the finale was boring. About half of it was the seven of them hugging each other and saying "family" a lot. And other than The Situation and Snooki hooking up (which had me grabbing a couch cushion in fear), I couldn't have been bothered.
Also, you got to love The Situation. A man who shows no discrimination towards women. Whether it be race, religion, weight, or age. Especially age. This is demonstrated by his persistence when speaking to a girl on the beach who was easily closer to her birth than she was to his age.
JWoww: She is like 5.
The Situation: She's got a good body, so.
Thank God this was the finale. Given one more episode and The Situation would have been in handcuffs and the authorities would be confiscating his hard drives.
So what's next for Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly D, Snooki, Vinny, JWoww, and The Situation. Earlier in the season, I would have guessed "death by orgy" or "death by fist-pumping", but as the season has progressed, I'll admit that they aren't as hopelessly devoid of self-awareness that I once thought. Some are well-spoken (Vinny), well-received (Pauly D), and etc. (The Situation). I believe all seven of them have the smarts to cash in on this as much as possible and perhaps have the smarts to get out before it encompasses them.
Anyway, lets do some final character profiles:
The Situation: Can I go out on a limb here and say he's in the discussion for greatest reality television star of all-time? No? Well I'm doing it anyway. For someone as overtly outspoken as he was for the entire season, he was a complete enigma. What exactly were The Situation's motives? What was driving him? Is he really that self-centered? How old is he again? I could ask questions like that all day. And quite frankly, the man deserves his own show. Maybe Assessing The Situation or SNAFU: Situation Not Always Fooling Around. The latter being a show where they dig deeper into who The Situation really is. Behind the beats and bronzer.
Snooki: I still find it hard to believe that Snooki is actually a person. It would seem much more plausible to me if I was told she was plucked out of a Guidette Tree. 4'2, tanner than Danny Tanner, and proud of it. Her goal was to find a man at the Jersey shore. A "jacked, hot, tan, juice-head" as she calls him(?). Someone she can move to the shore with and live her life. Sadly, Snooki didn't take home "the one". But considering her constant pining for her own reality show, I'm sure MTV is already brainstorming how to fit Snooki and 30 guidos into one hot tub. Surely she'll find love in no time!
Ronnie and Sammi: I felt the need to include them in the same profile seeing that one wasn't in a scene without the other. Since episode two it was either Ronnie and Sammi or Sammi and Ronnie. And we, as a collective nation, got bored with it. We learned real quick that Sammi was legitimately not a good person and would mess with that meathead's meathead. I personally would fast-forward every time I saw the two of them in a shot. They were either arguing, making up, or getting into bed with each other. To be fair, Ronnie did provide us with some kickass beatdowns of a couple of poor Jersey schlubs. "ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT BRO!"
Vinny: In a battle for the cast member with the most redeemable personality traits, Vinny barely edges out Pauly D. Vinny's a good guy. Plays basketball, loves his mother and just wants to fist-pump until he passes out every night. There were a few memorable Vinny moments throughout the season. Like the time he...um...let me think...um...never mind. Actually, he did hook up with his bosses's date and The Situation's sister. Which would seem scandalous in any other reality show, but was just standard operating procedure on Jersey Shore. He did a great job to be the jester in this Shakespearean saga. Calling out everyone on all their bullshit from time to time. Which was nice, because we as viewers felt like we were going insane. "IS ANYONE ELSE WATCHING WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!"
J-Woww: I felt as if J-Woww wasn't properly showcased during our short time with her. Which was weird because she's everything you would want in a reality television star: promiscuous, violent, scantily-clad dresser, outspoken. There were times where she would disappear for most of the scenes then reappear during dinner grace. I have a theory where she is both J-Woww and The Situation. Look closely, the two of the them are NEVER in the same scene together. And when J-Woww hit The Situation in Atlantic City, that was clearly a stunt double.
Pauly D: Ah, my favorite cast member. Bottomline: the man kept it honest. He was there to have a good time, meet some girls, party a few times a week, and DJ when he could. He wasn't contrived, arrogant, or confrontational. Not to mention, a good friend. The man was actually considered jumping on The Grenade for The Situation. (Read that sentence again: Could anyone EVER try to decipher what the hell that even means without having watched Jersey Shore?) My hope for Pauly D is that he becomes the most noticeable DJ in the world, supplanting DJ Skribble as the only DJ I know.
In conclusion, it was fun while it lasted. And although the fans are begging for another season, I could really do without one. The success can't be duplicated. And we all know where this is headed. It'll evolve into a show like The Hills or The City where everything is scripted and it less interesting because of it. Please, just leave it be and let us dream of the wonderful things it could have become.
Jersey Shore: Episode 4
I thought this was going to be our little secret. Something that you and I can discuss on our own. Without everyone else chiming in. I guess it wasn't meant to be. Now, everyone and their mother knows about the Jersey Shore. Thanks in part to the punch heard round the world as well as the 987 television appearances made by The Situation, Snooki, and Pauly D.
But it is what it is. The toothpaste is out of the tube. I can still make my tan jokes, hair gel jokes, lack of self-awareness jokes, and STD jokes. I'll just do it here from my small corner of the internet.
This week's episode is entitled "Fade To Black". I didn't think this show needed episode titles until I realized that there wouldn't be a proper way to distinguish the difference between episodes otherwise. "It was the one with the fight...no the one where The Situation hooked up with that girl....no, remember Snooki was dancing with no underwear...no that's a different one."
See? Titles are important.
Ronnie and Sammi Sweetheart are slowly becoming the most boring cast members in this show. They're like trying to have a real relationship and they like kind of care for each other. There is like depth to their personalities. It's off putting and quite frankly, I can do without it. Thanks to the two of them, the first twenty minutes of the episode was completely lacking in debauchery. This is not what I signed up for.
Thank God for The Situation and Pauly D. Both of whom bring back a lady to the house. After spending the requisite amount of time in the hot tub (which, at this point is probably growing hair), the boys decide to take these fair lasses back to the bedroom. Pauly D informs us that he is unable to have sex with his girl because she has her period (Lucky her!) and while The Situation is fumbling around for a condom, "Period Girl" says she needs to go home and puts a stop to the whole night.
The Situation and Pauly D: 0-2
Right now in the season, the JWoww and Ronnie/Sammi subplots are strictly filler. Does anyone really think JWoww's "relationship" with her boyfriend matters? She came into the house with a boyfriend and within the first ten hours, she had an eyeful of Pauly's D. Whether they're together or not is irrelevant and Pauly D knows it. The real show starts as soon as the brain trust of The Situation and Snooki L.L.C. come on screen.
Looks like Vinny is slowly becoming the Cousin Oliver of the Jersey Shore. We see him for little bit at the barber shop then again at the club, but right now, he's more of an extra.
Another night, another stop off at Karma, their Saturday night club. After a long night of dancing to house music and "beating up the beat", The Situation and Pauly D scour the club looking for a proper mate. They settle on four girls. Uh-oh! Controversy!
Initially, they bring back one set of girls to the house. Then, out of nowhere, the girls they invited previously decided to show up. Thinking that they had a better shot with the second set, The Situation and Pauly D kick out the first set. How orderly!
This is about the time in the show where the guilt came over all of us as we watched. Admit it! Because you see, The Situation and Pauly D explain to the world the intricacies of Man Law. More specifically, "The Grenade". As The Situation marked his territory (probably literally) on his girl, Pauly D was given the task of keeping her friend busy. That would be okay if it wasn't for the fact that both of them made a point of saying how unattractive she was.
Multiple times.
Oh God help her today. I mean, she did sign the waiver to not have her face blurred out. Maybe that wasn't the best decision.
Long story short, The Situation swings and misses with his girl.
The Situation and Pauly D: 0-6
Lost amid the noise and haste in this episode was the promise of Snooki getting punched in the face. And to be honest, it was a lot more nerve-wracking than I expected. Frat guys, shots being stolen, fingers being pointed, and then the punch. Granted, it was blocked out, but the retribution was swift. The culprit was in handcuffs in about five seconds and the rest will be sorted out next week. No jokes.
I'm spent.
Jersey Shore: Episode 3
Listen, with the amount of outrage over MTV's new reality show Jersey Shore, I would be remiss if I didn't express some of my opinions regarding it. I could do that, or I could recap every single episode from now until every cast member begins treatment for syphilis.
But if you own a television, have access to this "Music Television" channel, and don't tune into Jersey Shore every Thursday at 10:00, something is very much wrong with you. This show has something for everyone. And by everyone I mean those who believe this show is a fair representation of their lives and those who like to make fun of those who believe that. See? Something for everyone.
If you missed the first two wonderful episodes, boy, do you have some catching up to do?
But I won't be doing any recaps of the first two episodes. They were so jam-packed with important information, if I were to attempt to do any recap, my blog would be shut down for exceeding bandwidth. So instead, I will be doing my best to summarize the happenings of last night's episode.
And for posterity's sake, let me do a mini-biography of some of the cast members. Actually no, take a look at these GIF's and they will explain everything you need to know.
The Situation, Snookie, Pauly D, Ronnie, Vinny
Are you all caught up now? A GIF says a thousand words. I realize that I didn't include one for J-WoWW but when I entered the URL, my computer started to develop a rash.
Admittedly, last night's episode wasn't as entertaining as the premiere. That being said, it did provide us with some interesting plot lines.
There is still some remaining tension between Sammi Sweetheart, Mike, and Ronnie. Mike thought he had Sammi wrapped around his finger, but then Sammi decides to hook up with Ronnie. Scandalous it may seem, but Mike believes it's no "sweat off his back" and he could get any girl down at the Jersey Shore. The semi-tension was palpable when both Sammi and Mike were working at the t-shirt shop. I say "working", but it's more like hanging out. If you remove the "pay-checks", they would all be busted for loitering.
One aspect of this show that I'm sure everyone expected and has picked up on is the cast members complete lack of a filter between their brain and their mouth. I assumed there would be no thought when it came to their actions, but I thought they had the common courtesy to keep quiet some of their physical desires. There is absolutely no innuendo or insinuation in anything that they say. Or wear for that matter. Which is quite apparent in Snookie's hat that reads "Porn Star in Training". Oh Snookie, congratulations, training has been completed.
Snookie said it best when she said "You don't come to the Jersey Shore with a relationship". I'm not sure if she meant the show or the actual place. But the sentiment rings true on both accounts. It's advice Angelina "Jolie" should have heeded before she signed her life away to be on this show. Angelina, you see, has a boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend, one who is married.
They got in a fight at a bar and subsequently broke up. I don't want to get into the rest of it because Angelina is the most boring character. And now she's the most vacant character as she decided to leave the show because she didn't want to wake up at 5pm and loiter outside of a t-shirt shop on the boardwalk.
No one seemed too broken up about Angelina leaving. They bid her farewell and went back to eating dinner without their shirts. Finally! This show can get interesting.
Let me also ignore the subplot of J-Woww breaking up with her boyfriend. Even if she hadn't broken up with him, that wasn't going to be an issue to begin with. Her hooking up with Pauly D and staring at his Prince Albert is a demonstration of that.
Late in the episode, Snooki had her friend Rider over. Rider, who according to The Situation is "not ugly and petite", is just like Snooki. She just wants to have fun, enjoy her life, and make out with her friends in the hot tub because guys like that.
From day one it became apparent that the hot tub would become a cast member. We're three episodes in and the hot tub has had more face time than Vinny. With the amount of bodily fluids that have been emitted in that thing, I wouldn't be surprised if it starts having it's own confessionals.
As I expect with every episode, this one contained no story arc or character development. It's strictly a Pulp Fiction-like structure with one scene being jammed in right next to the other. One moment we're at the bar, and the next we're at the hot tub, and now Pauly D is putting charcoal in the gas grill. There is no seamlessness in the editing. It's as jumbled and random as the cast members' lives. But I guess the director is doing the best with what he has. It seems random and jumbled, that's because it is. These people experience each moment as if the moment before never happened. So one minute they're eating a granola bar and heading to bed, the next they're eating a granola bar and grinding on someone at "Headliners". It's utterly fascinating.
I really look forward to next week's episode. In the preview, Snooki is apparently cold-clocked by a dude. I would say I'm surprised, but I wouldn't say that because I'm not.
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