So that's what I'm going to do. I know the season starts tomorrow. But look, I'm a very busy man.

/plays SNAKE on an old Nokia phone for four hours

I'm fairly certain I say this prior to every single prediction post I write, but remember, these posts and my opinions in general are based off of little to no factual material at all. I have essentially done zero research in preparation for this post. The only thing I looked up were the Vegas over/under win totals for every MLB team. And all that researching has got me exhausted. So I'm going to keep this short.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES: 67.5 (Over)

Why not right? They deserve it. After 36 straight losing seasons, how about a crisp 81 win output? It really is frightening how inept they have been as a franchise for the last two decades. And it's not like they've developed can't-miss talent and had to trade it away, they don't develop anyone. There are high schools in California that have more major league talent. But hey, maybe this will be there year. They do have that Andrew fellow. McSomethingorother. Sounds promising.

KANSAS CITY ROYALS: 70 (Over)

I have read in certain publications recently that the Royals have the best farm system in the sport. That the higher-ups in the Kansas City organization have stock-piled both arms and bats. We can only hope these players work out for them. Because if there is a team more pathetic than the Pirates, it's the Royals. At times, I honestly forget they're even a team.

HOUSTON ASTROS: 71.5 (Under)

I went to Houston last fall. It was hot. And that's basically what I know about the city. Which is about as much as I know about the team. I know they have guys like Hunter Pence and Carlos Lee. And that they play at Minute Maid Park. And that they got rid of Roy Oswalt. So I'm going to take the under.

WASHINGTON NATIONALS: 71.5 (Under)

Call me when Strasburg pitches. Which, according to my Tommy John watch, shouldn't be until next season. I think I predicted a similar fate for Strasburg prior to his call-up last season. In my scenario, he comes back from the surgery 50 pounds overweight and eventually moves to Mexico to dominate for the Gauchos. Something like that.

SEATTLE MARINERS: 71.5 (Over)

Remember when the Mariners had, like, respectability? Now like have Felix Hernandez, Ichiro and their stadium. That's about it. As a Yankee fan, I used to be petrified of Seattle. Edgar Martinez would often send me to my room to fetch a new pair of pants. Now, Mr. Martinez is all but a faint memory of the Mariners of yesteryear.

CLEVELAND INDIANS: 73 (Over)

I really have nothing to say about the Indians. Honestly. I've been sitting here for the past few minutes just staring at my computer. They have a new coach right? Acta? I could be wrong. And Sizemore is coming back from injury. Oh god, it's all so boring. What a boring team. A boring team in a boring city. How awful.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS: 74 (Over)

Another team I have no opinion on. How about this weather? I mean really. It's like March 30th. Where's even a little bit of warmth? It's making me want to move. Maybe to...Arizona? Boom! Dots connected. I'm taking the over.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES: 74 (Over)

I tell you what, the AL East is going to be a buzz saw. How's that for dynamite analysis? But seriously, the Orioles are a very good young team. And there's a very good chance that they come in last place. Stick them in the NL West and they'll run away with the division in August.

SAN DIEGO PADRES: 75.5 (Under)

Really stupid of me to take the under here. The Padres always over perform. EDITORS NOTE: Please be aware of my constant broad generalizations and over usage of hyperbole and exaggeration. Expect words like "always", "never", "greatest", and "the history of the world".

TORONTO BLUE JAYS: 77 (Under)

Rogers Centre has to be the most depressing venue in all of sports. It's so bland, sterile, and ugly. I'm no scientist, but I'm 100% certain that the sterility of their stadium is the reason why the Blue Jays have been so terrible over the past decade or so. So until they knock that thing down, I'm going to expect more of the same. Under city.

NEW YORK METS: 78 (Over)

There can be books longer than War and Peace written about the 2011 New York Mets. They are a sports writers wet dream. Money problems, underperforming stars, unhappy players, a testy fan base. It's like a bad (or good) telenovela.

CHICAGO CUBS: 82 (Under)

This is it. This is their year. They're going to win 81 games, but this is their year. "Their year" doesn't have to mean winning the World Series. It could mean whatever they want it to mean. Anyway, they suck. They'll suck again. But at least they'll sell out Wrigley again. So no need for the franchise to panic.

FLORIDA MARLINS: 82.5 (Over)

Oh man. I'm not even half way through and I'm already running on fumes. This is what happens when you leave things off until the last minute. I should be relaxing on my couch watching Top Chef, but I'm hastily tapping away on my iPad trying to meet your deadlines. You are like a demanding editor.

LOS ANGELES ANGELS: 82.5 (Over)

I still can't believe the Angels didn't make the playoffs last season. They've been essentially a shoe-in for the past decade. And now, they're in danger of not making the playoffs two years running. Luckily, their division is unreliable. They could sneak in.

OAKLAND ATHLETICS: 82.5 (Over)
CINCINNATI REDS: 83 (Over)
DETROIT TIGERS: 83.5 (Over)
LOS ANGELES DODGERS: 83.5 (Under)
MILWAUKEE BREWERS: 84.5 (Over)
COLORADO ROCKIES: 84.5 (Under)

Clearly, I have hit a wall. At this point, it's all about getting my predictions out. Because that's what the people want. They don't want to hear about the above teams. Look at them. They're boring. In fact, baseball has become so top heavy that a majority of the league is more or less irrelevant.

ST. LOUIS CARDINALS: 84.5 (Over)
TAMPA BAY RAYS: 85 (Under)
CHICAGO WHITE SOX: 85 (Over)
MINNESOTA TWINS: 85 (Over)

Currently, I am half-writing, half-nodding off. So excuse me if I rush through the remainder of this. Look, the Cardinals could easily win their division. The Rays will clearly struggle with the Red Sox and Yankees after losing 90% of their bullpen. And the White Sox as well as the Twins will fight until October to win the central. Like they always do. My bed sounds fantastic right about now.

TEXAS RANGERS: 85.5 (Over)
ATLANTA BRAVES: 87 (Over)
SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS: 87.5 (Under)
NEW YORK YANKEES: 92.5 (Over)
BOSTON RED SOX: 96.5 (Under)
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: 97.5 (Over)

Talk about going out with a whisper.

/downs NyQuil

I'm out. Enjoy Opening Day.

I've had this video opened up in a tab for about two days now. After watching it for the first time I knew I had to write about it. There was just too much to take in though. My thoughts were jumbled. I had to let it digest.

So after letting what I saw circulate around in my brain for 48 hours, I'm finally ready to give my thoughts...

What the hell was that? Was that real? Are the Mets really a professional baseball team? The players in this video, they get paid millions, right? Am I wrong? Will I continue to ask questions?

I know the Mets are strapped for cash, but this video could have been shot in my basement by my imaginary six year old cousin. Hold on, I need to watch it again...

I especially like the still shot of Jose Reyes holding the autograph. The production value is just off the charts.

But lets get down to brass tax. What are the Mets? When will they stop being the Yankees little brother? They seem to do everything wrong. Give an erratic head-case a 3-year, $36 million contract? Check. Trust half of their fortune to a suspected swindler? Check. Produce this video? Check.

Who approved this video anyway? I've have sent my resume to every sports franchise since the day I graduated from college and not once (well, once) have I got a call back. But this, THIS gets green-lit? I didn't make the cut, but THIS is produced with real dollars?

Here's the thing, someone should have been fired for this mess. In a just universe, the man or woman who allowed this to happen would have been sent packing before it was even uploaded into YouTube. But with the way the Mets are run, I bet they were promoted. They were promoted to head of marketing. Or even to the VP of Sales and Marketing. Given a corner office, an expense account, and a secretary. Next thing you know, they'll make a transition over to player scouting and development, and you'll have Omar Minaya all over again.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2011 New York Mets!

Today, the Chicago Cubs signed former Rays' 1st baseman Carlos Pena to a 1-year, $10 million contract.

And if you're keeping score at home, Pena batted a robust .196 for the 2010 season.

Say what you will, but given 484 at-bats, I think I could hit .196. Maybe not hit 28 home runs or drive in 84 runs, but I think I could squeeze out at least 95 infield singles, bloopers, checked-swing dunkers, seeing-eyers, and the occasional mammoth upper-decker. Obviously this can't be proven, but I'll just go out on a limb and say I could.

The point is, what in the hell is up with these historically bad contracts during this off-season? That Jayson Werth contract is an abomination. He's 31 (32 in May), past his prime, has a career OPS of .848 and just signed a 7-year, $126 million contract with the Washington Nationals. That's (whips out scientific calculator) $18 million a year! For what?! 25 home runs, 90 RBI's for 3 more years at best. Then a precipitous decline for the remaining four years of that contract. That's franchise player money. That's "In a few years I'll basically be stealing from you" money. I'd like to meet Jayson Werth's agent and shake his hand. I'd also like to meet him to see if he's stopped laughing.

And how about the Carl Crawford contract? What is it, 7 years, $142 million? Something like that. No exactly the smartest move in my book (my book is about the size of a pamphlet). Giving 7 years to a 30 year old whose game is predicated on speed is just downright dumb. I wonder how he'll perform when he's 34-35. Slow is my guess. Very slow. Unless he takes steroids, then by all means, give him a 15-year contract.

I tweeted that in a few years the AL East will become "the land of the Albatross Contracts". And it's definitely shaping up to be that way. CC Sabathia, Mark Teixeira, Alex Rodriguez, Carl Crawford, Adrian Gonzalez (I'm assuming that I'll be enormous), and potentially Cliff Lee. In 2014, all of these players will just be uncomfortable to watch on the field. Both because of their performances on the diamond and because of the realization of how much they're getting paid.

Look, I love my Yanks, but they're ruining baseball. Salary cap is a necessity. Too bad that both the teams and players are making huge chunks of monies. So this thing will never get resolved.

Thanks Yanks! (and Red Sox)

Is it wrong for me to feel content right now? Because I am. Very much so, in fact. It's about 11:15am here on the East Coast. Meaning we're about nine hours away from the start of the 2010 Major League Baseball Season. And the two teams that will be playing to ring in the new season will be the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees.

Now, in previous years I would be pacing around the house, biting my nails, and climbing walls until the first pitch. And why not? There was so much to worry about. The Yankees pitching staff, their bullpen, Arod, the Red Sox, and the fact that they hadn't won a World Series in more than five years.

But now, coming off a World Series win in 2009, I am completely content. Absolutely so. Since Mariano Rivera got Shane Victorino to ground-out to Robinson Cano until now, I've kept the Yankees at a healthy distance. My opinions of the departure of Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon were muffled. As well as my thoughts on the super-important Phil Hughes-Joba Chamberlain-Fifth Starter controversy. Don't get me wrong, I care. Just not as much as in years past.

No matter the outcome of this season, I have no reason to complain as a fan. I'm only 22 years old and have been lucky enough to experience five World Series Championships. So the key word for 2010 is "gravy". I'll still root as hard as I ever did, but with more reasonable expectations.

Anyway, here are my picks for the 2010 MLB award winners. (In bullet-point form, of course)

• AL CY Young Winner: Felix Hernandez. Can you believe this guy is only 23 (24 on April 8th)? It could easily have been argued that he should have won the award last season but a certain Zach Greinke stood in the way. I mean, the guy went 19-5 with a 2.49 ERA on a terrible offensive team. Now granted, their offense isn't exactly better, but given his talent, he'll dominate just the same.
• NL CY Young Winner: Roy Halladay. Let's see: he's owned the AL East since 2002, he's coming off one of his best statistical seasons and he's moving to the NL East on the best offensive team in the league. Sure, I'll take him. I wonder what Tim Lincecum is thinking. He had the award sewn up for the next 5-6 years, then Mr. Halladay decides he wants a ring. Touche Roy. Touche.
• AL MVP Winner: Evan Longoria. We're looking at 40 home runs, 120 RBIs, .900+ OPS, 15+ SB's, and a Gold Glove for the Rays third baseman.
• NL MVP Winner: Albert Pujols. He should be the default choice until he retires. The man leads the planet in OPS, OPS+ and has topped 500 at-bats every year of his career. The only way he doesn't win this award is if Hanley Ramirez maximizes on his talent and destroys NL pitching.
• AL Rookie of the Year: Austin Jackson. This is a bitter-sweet choice. Obviously, up until last fall, he was the would-be future center fielder of the New York Yankees. Then he was traded to the Tigers for Curtis Granderson, the current New York Yankees center fielder. It would be nice to see him succeed though. It would show that the Yankees still have some eye for talent, just not an eye to keep it.
• NL Rookie of the Year: Jason Heyward. Did ya hear? Heyward once hit a ball so far, it hit the umpire in the back of the head. Well, not really. But hyperbole has been utilized when describing Jason Heyward. "He's got Hank Aaron's hands, Mickey Mantle's power, and Ted Williams' eye." So sure, I'm going to buy into the hype and say he'll win the 2010 NL Rookie of the Year.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm seriously slacking with these posts. A lot has been going on in my life. I have a job and a car and I have to pay bills. I mean, these are things that no one else has to deal with. So it's understandable that I haven't been updating this little old blog of mine as much.

That being said, this post will be enormous. I'll try to kill eight birds with one stone. I'll be live blogging my fantasy baseball draft which is set to begin in five minutes while at the same time discussing my night out, thoughts on food, love, and allergies. You know, the usual.

I won't time stamp each little tidbit because it's really annoying to constantly look down to the bottom right corner of the screen before every paragraph. My eyes just can't handle the strain. A dash (-) will suffice. Deal? Let's go.

-Let's see. I have the fifth pick. Eh. Obviously I would have loved to have the first pick. Mr. Pujols himself can carry a fantasy team just as well as he carries his own team.

-Pujols, Mauer, Ramirez, Rodriguez. I could have easily taken Utley, Kemp or Braun. But I decided on Evan Longoria. No fooling, he's going to be a super-stud. A fantasy juggernaut.

-I did little to no research in preparation for this draft. I'm essentially doing this blind. I know who's good and who's not, but I'm clueless on sleepers or reliable pitchers. This is going to be interesting.

-2nd round: Ian Kinsler. Full disclosure. I just made my first two picks from the comfort of my toilet. Hey, when nature calls, you have to answer. Even if it means placing the laptop on your bare legs as you taken care of business.

-3rd round: Zach Greinke. This draft is going a lot quicker than expected. It's nice when everyone actually shows up on the proper time. Too many times I've sat through 2 hour drafts just because a few guys decided to ignore their draft and not have the decency to put it on auto-pick. (This is clearly nerd talk)

-Remember that time when I said  I was never going to bars again? Well, I lied. But the sentiment still remains. With music that loud, how am I supposed to speak to girls? I'm not going to yell at them. Which is exactly what I end up doing when I'm at a bar. "WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!" "WHAT?!" "DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL?!!!" "THAT'S CRAZY!" And I can't dumb myself down enough for the vapid conversations that take place at these establishments. Look, I would love to get to know you, but telling me about your roommate makes me want to put myself in a sleeper hold.

-4th round: Jayson Werth. Solid fourth rounder in my opinion. Super reliable. Hits for power and steals a decent amount of bases.

-5th round: Johan Santana.

-6th round: Nick Markakis. Jesus, spring is here. Currently, I'm sitting at my dining room table with a pile of used tissues that's nearly covering my monitor. My nose is a leaky faucet. My lips are dry, my eyes itch and I'm sneezing every thirty seconds. All because a flower sprouted in my backyard. I wish it were winter. Just kidding.

-7th round: Carlos Pena.

-8th round: Adam Jones. I'm liking my team so far. A lot of power, speed, and a solid 1-2 punch. I have no catcher or relief pitchers yet. Those are late round pickups anyway. Got to stock the shed with some ammunition, yaknowwhatIsayin?

-9th round: Joakim Soria. Screw that philosophy. Soria is a relief stud. Low ERA and WHIP and converts saves, bottom line.

-10th round: Elvis Andrus. Ever go a whole day without eating? I wanted to try that today. Just liquids. I've been slacking big time on my diet. Last night I had a few Italian combo sandwiches. That's right, a few. And God are those delicious. Throw roasted sweet peppers on anything and I'll talk dirty to it.

-11th round: Rick Porcello. He went to Seton Hall Prep. I went to Seton Hall University. So I felt a connection.

-12th round: Russell Martin. Doesn't Martin look a lot like Russell from Survivor? And holy crap! They have the same name. Creepy. By the way, if you haven't been watching Survivor this season. Shame on you. It's The Sopranos and The Wire rolled into a honey wheat wrap and stuffed with roasted sweet peppers. It's that good.

-13th round: A.J. Burnett.

-Can you believe I went to bed before watching the best game of the tournament? And of course it was called by Gus Johnson. I'm literally kicking myself. I guess the highlights will have to do.

Click here to view the embedded video.

-14th round: Brad Hawpe. I can't bring the laptop back in the bathroom, can I? Once is ridiculous. Twice is...what? Flat out unacceptable, right? Screw it.

-Live from the bathroom here. I really shouldn't do this. Not because it's disgusting. But because of where I'm putting the laptop. It's super close to my no-no area. That can't be good. I know that technology has improved over the years, but I'm not 100% certain that I'm not microwaving my balls right now.

-15th round: Leo Nunez.

-16th round: Rafael Furcal. These are more or less the garbage rounds. But some would argue that these late round players can separate the men from the boys fantasy-wise. I disagree. Call me crazy, but I just don't think Jeff Niemann will decide this fantasy season.

-17th round: Mark Buerhle. Are there really six more rounds of this? Man. I got things to do today...kind of.

-18th round: James Loney.

-19th round: Michael Wuertz. I don't even know who this guy is. But he had a .95 WHIP and 102 K's last year. Good enough for me.

-Skip to the end.

-20th round: Todd Helton
-21st round: Justin Duchscherer
-22nd round: Jermaine Dye
-23rd round: Randy Winn.

Oh Thank God. It's over. That was far too long. An hour and a half. Now what usually happens is that I barely update it and I end up in dead last by the third week. Fantasy baseball is like homework.

-The Phillies scare me.

I have stated on many an occasion that I believe Jose Veras is the worst pitcher in baseball. I think Joe Girardi should be fired every time he calls for him out of the bullpen. Watching Veras pitch should be considered a form of torture, cruel and unusual punishment, and be banned by the Geneva Convention. And his numbers validate my frustration. A 6.41 ERA and a 1.58 WHIP should be evidence enough to not ever put him in. Last night he came into the game with a 8-0 lead and I was still biting my fingernails. He is so bad you wouldn't put it past him to some how become the first pitcher to give up an 8-run homerun. I realize that the Yankees bullpen is thin, but I would rather Girardi pull a fan out of the stands to pitch than have Veras walk the bases loaded and find his location just in time to give up a grand slam. Just look at that picture (left)! Does he look like he knows what he is doing?! His arm is cocked in some weird direction, he isn't looking at the catcher, and he's resting on his ankle. I'll bet 2 to 1 that that pitch ended up in the dugout. It's time to send him down. For good.

I just realized that keeping track of the attendance numbers for every game in the MLB will be time-consuming, frustrating, and rather pointless. But since I started it yesterday, I will finish it. Because I always finish what I start, even if it's terrible. That's why after accidentally watching the first episode of this season's Celebrity Apprentice, I have watched every episode since. And boy is it awful. Every Sunday there is a two hour episode. Two hours! But because of my sticktoitiveness (That is actually a word), I will watch every agonizing minute until, God-willing, it ends. How about those attendance numbers?

*Please be advised. I am using the attendance numbers from ESPN.com.

New York Mets at St. Louis Cardinals (Busch Stadium)
Attendance: 35,506

Los Angeles Dodgers at Houston Astros (Minute Maid Park)
Attendance: 26,360

Cincinnati Reds at Chicago Cubs (Wrigley Field)
Attendance: 38,403

Texas Rangers at Toronto Blue Jays (Rogers Centre)
Attendance: 20,996

Florida Marlins at Pittsburgh Pirates (PNC Park)
Attendance: 9,917

Oakland Athletics at New York Yankees (Yankee Stadium)
Attendance: 42,065

Milwaukee Brewers at Philadelphia Phillies (Citizens Bank Park)
Attendance: 40,605

Kansas City Royals at Cleveland Indians (Progressive Field)
Attendance: 11,408

Atlanta Braves at Washington Nationals (Nationals Park)
Attendance: 15,439

Chicago White Sox at Baltimore Orioles (Oriole Park at Camden Yards)
Attendance: 14,801

Tampa Bay Rays at Seattle Mariners (Safeco Field)
Attendance: 19,582

Detroit Tigers at Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (Angel Stadium)
Attendance: 41,627

San Diego Padres at San Francisco Giants (AT&T Park)
Attendance: 39,314

Colorado Rockies at Arizona Diamondbacks (Chase Field)
Attendance: 25,411

Average: 27,245.29

Ever since the economy took a turn for the worse back in September and October, I have been wondering what sort of effect it would have on attendance in the four major sports (Football, Basketball, Baseball, and Bull Riding). And only two weeks into the 2009 MLB Season, we've seen significant drops in attendance, especially in the two new stadiums, Yankee Stadium and Citi Field. There's no denying it. Watch a home Met or Yankee game this season, you'll see empty seats by and around home plate. You know, the sections that would normally seat people who rely on updates of the game on their BlackBerries even though they are so close, they could smell A-rod's perfume. Unless the prices of those seats drop, they will collect dust until September. The situation will only get worse during the proverbial "dog-days" of summer, when teams begin to drop out of playoff contention and people decide to use their limited disposable income on more important things. Like a Vin Diesal movie.

Far be it for me to actually conduct a legitimate statistical analysis of attendance in Major League Baseball. If that were the case, I wouldn't begin two weeks into the season and do it based solely on boredom. That being said, I will track the attendance of every game in the MLB this season and by using the math I learned in the seventh grade, average them (or find the "mean". Thanks Mrs. Quinn!).

I decided to do this right after I watched the Marlins play the Pirates in Pittsburgh this evening. I understand that the game was being threatened by rain, games in April are practically meaningless, and the Pirates are perennial losers, but that doesn't excuse the fact that there was only 8,790 fans who went through the turnstiles. Maybe the hard-working, redblooded Americans in Pittsburgh were taking an overtly literal boycott of pirates after the events in Somalia, but I highly doubt it. This situation is going to get worse before it gets better. Lets track it, shall we?

Florida Marlins at Pittsburgh Pirates (PNC Park)
Attendance: 8,790

Cincinnati Reds at Houston Astros (Minute Maid Park)
Attendance: 23,308

Baltimore Orioles at Boston Red Sox (Fenway Park)
Attendance: 37,865

Atlanta Braves at Washington Nationals (Nationals Park)
Attendance: 12,473

Colorado Rockies at Arizona Diamondbacks (Chase Field)
Attendance: 25,788

Average: 21,664