Sean B. Fitzgerald It doesn’t go something like this, it goes exactly like this.

Jersey Shore: Episode 5

Like you and the rest of America, I suffered from a serious case of Jersey Shore withdrawal when there was a week hiatus due to the holiday. This hiatus was particularly difficult because the whole world was on the edge of their seats to find out what happened to Snooki and her assailant following "the punch".

When last we left them, Snooki had been decked in the face by some guy after confronting him about taking their drinks. As she lay on the ground in pain, a ruckus broke out and within five seconds, Brad "Don't attach a picture to my resume" Ferro was in handcuffs. It's quite remarkable how quickly he was sent to jail. I'm assuming that the Seaside Heights Police Department had a full itinerary as to where the cast would be every night and this night it paid off. Because God knows what Ronnie would have done if the cops hadn't been there. He looked like a juiced-up midget ready to bite some ankles. Luckily, it didn't come to that.

The ensuing damage was minimal and needless to say, Snooki handled it well. And not just for a girl, but in general. I myself have a glass jaw and if it had been me, I would be the cast member who missed the last 12 episodes because he was in a coma.

The Situation's coping mechanism for the whole incident was trying to bed another stranger 90 seconds after it happened. As Snooki was being treated by the medical staff, Mike decides that this was no time to let a fresh catch slip away. This is something that Ronnie and the rest of the cast don't appreciate. But don't they understand that he's "The Situation"? This is what he does. If a hot girl had punched Snooki in the face, Mike would have posted her bail and invited her into the hot tub that night.

Meanwhile, Ronnie's family comes over the next day to visit. Boring. There isn't any gratuitous sex, violence or fist-pumping in these 7 minutes, so it's not worthy enough to even gloss over.

Mike, who is slowly becoming the Emeril Lagasse of the house, cooks lobster for dinner. Snooki (who tells us she is a veterinarian technician) doesn't like the inhumane way they are cooked and supplies us with the quote of the episode:

"They're alive when you kill it." And scene.

The cast takes a trip to F Cove which is basically the guido version of Lake Havasu. Boats gather, music is played, and bodily fluids are exchanged. There is something for the whole family!

My favorite part of this episode was when Pauly D and The Situation bring over the nice girls to the house. According to Pauly D "they're not like whores" and it'll take a couple times of seeing them to hook up. One of the girls catches The Situation's eye and he decides she's worthy enough to treat like a human. He plans on wining and dining her the following day. Flash forward to the morning, she doesn't pick up his calls. Ouch, another strike out for The Situation. Man, his batting average is hovering around the Mendoza Line. I think he better avoid the nice girls.

In a total change of pace, the rest of the cast go to a bar to drink the same night. Whoa! Slow down guys. I'm having trouble following this plot as it is. Anyway, J-Woww gets in a hair-pulling fight with a girl who called Snooki "fat". But don't worry, I'm certain that nobody got hurt seeing as all the hair that was pulled was fake.

A few parting thoughts:

-We're five episodes in and according to The Situation, they've been at the house for a little over a week. So far, we've seen them at the barber shop twice. It's not like their hair is difficult to maintain. Vinny is basically bald. The Situation and Ronnie use the few prominent strands they have and spike it. And Pauly D's hair wouldn't move if you stuck him in a F5 tornado. Boys, take the $15 and put it in the bank.

-We also get a chance to watch Pauly D do what he does as he deejay's at their favorite spot, Karma. I'm not exactly sure if the music played on the episode was the music he played during his set, but if it was, sorry Pauly D, not a fan. Do you have any other skills?

-Finally, Vinny decides he'd like to be a part of the story line and accidentally hooks up with his boss's date. Wow, Vinny! Coming out of nowhere. Up until now, the most interesting thing about Vinny was that he likes to fist pump. Now he's putting the moves on his boss's woman. Now, he may get evicted.

I'm definitely looking forward to next week.