Back to the Shore: Episode 1
Finally! Jersey Shore is back! This is like Season 8, right? It's tough to keep up these days. That's why I've discovered a fool-proof way to figure out what season it is. All you need to do is take a cross-section of the skin of any cast member, and however may layers of spray-on tan there is, that's what season it is. Kind of like a tree.
Anyway, after taking over the Jersey Shore in season 1, the gang moved on down to Miami to spread their recently mutated forms of herpes. And after they did whatever they did down there, MTV decided to pack their bags and head up to Seaside Heights again. Where it all began. Where what began, you ask? No one really knows.
After digesting episode 1 (takes about a day. Hours on the toilet), this season looks similar, if not identical to the previous two seasons. Ronnie and Sammi "Sweetheart" are still a human-snooze button, Pauly D and Vinny are still fun-loving, Snooki is a train wreck, The Situation is sort of a person, and J-Woww is Chuck Lidell with implants.
This is ONE difference however. Deena. Deena, according to the slurs and stutters of Snooki, is her best friend back home in Poughkeepsie, New York. Deena looks very much like Snooki. Short, charcoal tan, long hair, abnormally large breasts considering her petite stature, and a human "Before" picture. The greatest thing about Deena is that she isn't Angelina. And that will get her far in this show.
Probably the most predictable scene of episode 1 was the shot of Sammi Sweetheart tucked under the covers at 6pm with Ronnie whilst eavesdropping on the rest of the house. I'd like their job, because at this point let's face it, these people are "working". We're watching them "work". They're actually getting paid. And Sammi's job is to act like an unrepentant bitch towards everyone who comes in contact with her. And boy is she good at her job. She should get promoted. At least a raise.
And her hard work paid off later in the episode that eventually culminated with her getting punched in the face by J-Woww. I won't get into the details, because A) you've already seen the episode or B) even if you haven't, you could probably take a REALLY good guess without trying. Something along the lines of:
1. Cast member X gets naked in front of cast member Y for no reason.
2. Cast member X wants to cuddle with cast member Y.
3. Cast member Z laughs at X for being (i.e. drunk, stupid, ugly, fat, annoying, Italian).
4. Cast member X confronts Z.
5. Z and X fight.
6. J-Woww throws a punch.
That formula has come to fruition at least 6 times per season thus far. Now remember, the formula is only a theory. But I believe with a few more experiments, scientists may make it a law.
Thankfully, this season looks more shameless than ever. And that's what we all want to see, right? I mean, it's been America's dirty pleasure for the past two years and it's all thanks to the grenades, smush rooms, GTL-ing, T-shirt timing, and the utter debauchery that are these people's lives. It's going to be interesting to see how exactly this all comes to an end. I find it hard to believe that they will all go their separate ways and leave happy and healthy lives. It couldn't be that mundane. I'd like to think that they all get eaten by the jacuzzi.
Jersey Shore Season 2 Episode 1 Recap
I know I know. Look, I know. It's Monday. And the first episode of Season 2 of Jersey Shore was LAST Thursday. What the hell am I doing? My recap should've been up Friday at midnight, right? Right. I'm sorry. But it takes a long time to digest this show. Remember, like McDonalds, Jersey Shore isn't exactly good for you. But also like McDonalds, it's delicious.
Admittedly, I didn't watch this show as soon as it premiered on Thursday. I actually had more important things to do. But after twiddled my thumbs for two hours, I prebuffered Episode 1 on MTV.com as watched the horror beginning to end. And it was good. Very good.
I'm certain I have stated this before, but Jersey Shore is not meant to be reviewed sequentially. That's because each scene carries very little ahead from the previous one. In truth though, this season is different because we (the viewer) already have some sort of relationship with each "character". We know their back story, who they are, and what their goals are. That all being said, I'm still going to do my reviews in bullet format. Not only is it easier, I'm also able to formulate my thoughts more succinctly.
- Jesus, for 40 minutes of uncommercialized television, 10 of those minutes were them actually GETTING to Miami. Was there really not enough Ronnie drunk footage, or Angelina being awkward footage that they actually had to stretch out the parts where Pauly D and The Situation got stuck in the mud? They could have cut at least 8 of those minutes and we'd all be caught up. MTV, we know these people already, there's no need for catching up. I can't imagine anyone who is JUST started watching Jersey Shore. MTV should be catering to us, the die-hards. Those of us who know things about these people that we really shouldn't know. By the way, I learned recently that Snooki was born in Chile and adopted. I guess that solves the Nature vs. Nurture argument. Or does it?
- Quick question, difficult to answer. Will the readdition of Angelina make this season better or worse? Because personally, in terms of last season, it was addition by subtraction. She seemed like a wet blanket from day one and the show got infinitely more interesting as soon as she left. She's not fun at all. I get depressed just looking at her. Look Angelina, we already have one insufferable cast member (Sammi). The position's filled. Why don't you go back to Staten Island? Because if you're here, who's holding down the title of "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island"?
- From the looks of Episode 1, Ronnie will age about 10 years during his two month stay in Miami. Either that, or he won't make it out alive. He wasn't just drunk that first night, he was something more. Something beyond the pale. You know what I'm talking about. We all have a friend who just goes above and beyond the call of duty and tries to drink his weight in alcohol. They all eventually get that look in their eyes. And Ronnie had that look. The 100-yard stare. It's frightening to witness. I'm sure he had no idea who or where he was. It was Night of the Fist-Pumping Dead starring Ronnie (Insert Italian Last Name).
- Once again, Pauly D regains his title as "Coolest Cat in America". The guy is unflappable. Just takes everything in stride. That being said, he IS the resident senior in this group. Well, he and The Situation are the oldest. I'm fairly certain they're both in their mid to late thirties.
My favorite part of any first episode from a reality show is the "The Season on...". You basically get every single important moment from the remaining episodes compacted into 30 neat seconds. And this season looks good. Bunch of fights. Bunch of grenades. Bunch of bronzer. Sure it's the usual, but it's everything we've been waiting for.
I'll try to write up my reviews a tad earlier that usual. But here's a heads up, I'm headed to Italy on the 12th, so obviously I'll be missing two of the shows. I'll make sure to combine them as soon as I come back and release one huge recap. Don't worry.
Jersey Shore: A Final Analysis
Please forgive me for failing to provide a recap of the final few episodes of the Jersey Shore. To be honest, I was actually busy. Like, legitimately. I was literally doing things other than sitting on the couch or taking showers to pass the time.
Anyway, I would be remiss if I didn't give a final recap of what I call, "the greatest cultural tidal wave of the 21st century", also known as, Jersey Shore.
Admittedly, the finale was boring. About half of it was the seven of them hugging each other and saying "family" a lot. And other than The Situation and Snooki hooking up (which had me grabbing a couch cushion in fear), I couldn't have been bothered.
Also, you got to love The Situation. A man who shows no discrimination towards women. Whether it be race, religion, weight, or age. Especially age. This is demonstrated by his persistence when speaking to a girl on the beach who was easily closer to her birth than she was to his age.
JWoww: She is like 5.
The Situation: She's got a good body, so.
Thank God this was the finale. Given one more episode and The Situation would have been in handcuffs and the authorities would be confiscating his hard drives.
So what's next for Ronnie, Sammi, Pauly D, Snooki, Vinny, JWoww, and The Situation. Earlier in the season, I would have guessed "death by orgy" or "death by fist-pumping", but as the season has progressed, I'll admit that they aren't as hopelessly devoid of self-awareness that I once thought. Some are well-spoken (Vinny), well-received (Pauly D), and etc. (The Situation). I believe all seven of them have the smarts to cash in on this as much as possible and perhaps have the smarts to get out before it encompasses them.
Anyway, lets do some final character profiles:
The Situation: Can I go out on a limb here and say he's in the discussion for greatest reality television star of all-time? No? Well I'm doing it anyway. For someone as overtly outspoken as he was for the entire season, he was a complete enigma. What exactly were The Situation's motives? What was driving him? Is he really that self-centered? How old is he again? I could ask questions like that all day. And quite frankly, the man deserves his own show. Maybe Assessing The Situation or SNAFU: Situation Not Always Fooling Around. The latter being a show where they dig deeper into who The Situation really is. Behind the beats and bronzer.
Snooki: I still find it hard to believe that Snooki is actually a person. It would seem much more plausible to me if I was told she was plucked out of a Guidette Tree. 4'2, tanner than Danny Tanner, and proud of it. Her goal was to find a man at the Jersey shore. A "jacked, hot, tan, juice-head" as she calls him(?). Someone she can move to the shore with and live her life. Sadly, Snooki didn't take home "the one". But considering her constant pining for her own reality show, I'm sure MTV is already brainstorming how to fit Snooki and 30 guidos into one hot tub. Surely she'll find love in no time!
Ronnie and Sammi: I felt the need to include them in the same profile seeing that one wasn't in a scene without the other. Since episode two it was either Ronnie and Sammi or Sammi and Ronnie. And we, as a collective nation, got bored with it. We learned real quick that Sammi was legitimately not a good person and would mess with that meathead's meathead. I personally would fast-forward every time I saw the two of them in a shot. They were either arguing, making up, or getting into bed with each other. To be fair, Ronnie did provide us with some kickass beatdowns of a couple of poor Jersey schlubs. "ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT! ONE SHOT BRO!"
Vinny: In a battle for the cast member with the most redeemable personality traits, Vinny barely edges out Pauly D. Vinny's a good guy. Plays basketball, loves his mother and just wants to fist-pump until he passes out every night. There were a few memorable Vinny moments throughout the season. Like the time he...um...let me think...um...never mind. Actually, he did hook up with his bosses's date and The Situation's sister. Which would seem scandalous in any other reality show, but was just standard operating procedure on Jersey Shore. He did a great job to be the jester in this Shakespearean saga. Calling out everyone on all their bullshit from time to time. Which was nice, because we as viewers felt like we were going insane. "IS ANYONE ELSE WATCHING WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!"
J-Woww: I felt as if J-Woww wasn't properly showcased during our short time with her. Which was weird because she's everything you would want in a reality television star: promiscuous, violent, scantily-clad dresser, outspoken. There were times where she would disappear for most of the scenes then reappear during dinner grace. I have a theory where she is both J-Woww and The Situation. Look closely, the two of the them are NEVER in the same scene together. And when J-Woww hit The Situation in Atlantic City, that was clearly a stunt double.
Pauly D: Ah, my favorite cast member. Bottomline: the man kept it honest. He was there to have a good time, meet some girls, party a few times a week, and DJ when he could. He wasn't contrived, arrogant, or confrontational. Not to mention, a good friend. The man was actually considered jumping on The Grenade for The Situation. (Read that sentence again: Could anyone EVER try to decipher what the hell that even means without having watched Jersey Shore?) My hope for Pauly D is that he becomes the most noticeable DJ in the world, supplanting DJ Skribble as the only DJ I know.
In conclusion, it was fun while it lasted. And although the fans are begging for another season, I could really do without one. The success can't be duplicated. And we all know where this is headed. It'll evolve into a show like The Hills or The City where everything is scripted and it less interesting because of it. Please, just leave it be and let us dream of the wonderful things it could have become.
Jersey Shore: Episode 6
If you don't follow college football (and I don't blame you), last night the National Championship game was being played between the University of Alabama and the University of Texas in Pasadena, California. And the second half the game coincided with Episode 6 (Boardwalk Blowups) of the Jersey Shore. I had a tough decision to make.
Did I say tough? I meant easy. Jersey Shore all the way. This show has become appointment television for me. Like the moon landing or when The Beatles were on The Ed Sullivan Show, Jersey Shore is making television history. Twenty years from now, everyone will know where they were when Snooki was punched. I can't pass up any opportunity to watch history being made. And further more, unlike college football, Jersey Shore has a clear cut winner: Us.
Last week's episode ended with Vinny's taking home his boss's date. So naturally, he was a bit worried about potentially getting evicted from the house, fearing the boss's repercussions. But three minutes into the show, water under the bridge. Danny (the boss) was surprisingly cool with everything. Probably because it's Vinny and he's the most leveled headed one in the house. Had it been The Situation who had hooked up with his date, he'd be fist-pumping his way back to Staten Island before his tan wore off.
We also get to meet The Situation's sister, Melissa. Vinny, who hit it off with Melissa on the phone, is surprised as to how much she looks like The Situation. For me, the more surprising thing is that The Situation actually has a family. Up until last night's episode, I was fairly certain that he was manufactured by Ed Hardy from the parts of lesser guidos.
The Ronnie/Sammi storyline might as well be a commercial, because I could walk away from the television for those nine minutes, make a sandwich, get a drink, come back and the two of them will be exactly where they started. Last night, I didn't have the strength to walk away, so I was subject to arguably the dumbest fight in the history of tele...no...anything.
I'll give you the Reader's Digest version. Sammi called Ronnie "stumpy". Ronnie laughed it off and said Sammi had a "big Fred Flintstone toe". Sammi lose's it and the two proceeded to get into a fight. Crying, yelling, and name-calling ensue. Ronnie says he's had enough and goes back to the boardwalk to "creep". He walks about three feet towards to boardwalk, changes his mind, and comes crawling back to Sammi (*sound of a whip cracking*).
The annoying thing about writing recaps for these episodes is trying convey a picture of what exactly is going on in the show. And with Jersey Shore, there is SO much going on, that it is near impossible to explain everything in less than 10,000 words. If I attempted to summarize every aspect, my site would be shut down for exceeding bandwidth. This is why I fear analyzing the next few minutes from this episode. But I'll try...
If you recall from a previous installment, The Situation brought home two girls, one of which was labeled "The Grenade", forever tarnishing any chance she's called by her Christian name ever again. Anyway, the same two girls stop by the house again, this time with another "girl". Needless to say, The Situation is not pleased and wants Snooki to dismiss of the ones not worthy enough to fornicate with him. Snooki tries her best (with words!) to shimmy the two out of the house while leaving the third to her own devices.
And this is where words escape me. Obviously, the girls don't take kindly to being thrown out, especially by someone with the social skills of Snooki. So as you know, alcohol, unkind words, and ugliness are a recipe for a disaster.
Cue fight.
Slaps and punches are landed and the non-grenade is subsequently arrested.
Because of this fight, I'm certain that MTV intervenes when it looks like it will get out of hand. If you look closely to the skirmish, some guy appears out of nowhere to restrain the big girl:
That guy to the left? That's a producer. Don't try to convince me otherwise, my sister and I agree it is. Case closed.
It seems that the producers allowed each cast member to invite their family to the house once for the duration of the show. So far, The Situation brought his sister, Ronnie brought his family, Snooki brought her mom, and now Vinny brought his family. His entire family. Half of Sicily was at the Jersey Shore house. We find out that (Surprise!) Vinny has a stable family. It's no accident that Vinny makes better decisions than the rest of the cast. His mom actually cared enough to keep the paint chips out of his mouth when he was a baby.
In every Real World-type reality show, usually there are those locals who don't enjoy the fact that there are outsiders being taped while frequenting their bars, eating at their restaurants, and dating their women. That was exactly the case in last night's episode when a local decides to antagonize the cast while at the bar. It's obvious that they were used to it as they did their best as to ignore it. That is until the guy continues to go after Ronnie and Sammi. And Ronnie takes matters into his tiny little hands. Pummeling him into the boardwalk until he was a fine powder. And each girlfriend tries in vain to get the one off the other.
Put your back into it!
Fight ends. Ronnie blames Sammi for instigating it. They fight (without fists), then make up. See, it goes full circle and ends up where it started. No need to pay attention.
Until next Thursday...
Jersey Shore: Episode 5
Like you and the rest of America, I suffered from a serious case of Jersey Shore withdrawal when there was a week hiatus due to the holiday. This hiatus was particularly difficult because the whole world was on the edge of their seats to find out what happened to Snooki and her assailant following "the punch".
When last we left them, Snooki had been decked in the face by some guy after confronting him about taking their drinks. As she lay on the ground in pain, a ruckus broke out and within five seconds, Brad "Don't attach a picture to my resume" Ferro was in handcuffs. It's quite remarkable how quickly he was sent to jail. I'm assuming that the Seaside Heights Police Department had a full itinerary as to where the cast would be every night and this night it paid off. Because God knows what Ronnie would have done if the cops hadn't been there. He looked like a juiced-up midget ready to bite some ankles. Luckily, it didn't come to that.
The ensuing damage was minimal and needless to say, Snooki handled it well. And not just for a girl, but in general. I myself have a glass jaw and if it had been me, I would be the cast member who missed the last 12 episodes because he was in a coma.
The Situation's coping mechanism for the whole incident was trying to bed another stranger 90 seconds after it happened. As Snooki was being treated by the medical staff, Mike decides that this was no time to let a fresh catch slip away. This is something that Ronnie and the rest of the cast don't appreciate. But don't they understand that he's "The Situation"? This is what he does. If a hot girl had punched Snooki in the face, Mike would have posted her bail and invited her into the hot tub that night.
Meanwhile, Ronnie's family comes over the next day to visit. Boring. There isn't any gratuitous sex, violence or fist-pumping in these 7 minutes, so it's not worthy enough to even gloss over.
Mike, who is slowly becoming the Emeril Lagasse of the house, cooks lobster for dinner. Snooki (who tells us she is a veterinarian technician) doesn't like the inhumane way they are cooked and supplies us with the quote of the episode:
"They're alive when you kill it." And scene.
The cast takes a trip to F Cove which is basically the guido version of Lake Havasu. Boats gather, music is played, and bodily fluids are exchanged. There is something for the whole family!
My favorite part of this episode was when Pauly D and The Situation bring over the nice girls to the house. According to Pauly D "they're not like whores" and it'll take a couple times of seeing them to hook up. One of the girls catches The Situation's eye and he decides she's worthy enough to treat like a human. He plans on wining and dining her the following day. Flash forward to the morning, she doesn't pick up his calls. Ouch, another strike out for The Situation. Man, his batting average is hovering around the Mendoza Line. I think he better avoid the nice girls.
In a total change of pace, the rest of the cast go to a bar to drink the same night. Whoa! Slow down guys. I'm having trouble following this plot as it is. Anyway, J-Woww gets in a hair-pulling fight with a girl who called Snooki "fat". But don't worry, I'm certain that nobody got hurt seeing as all the hair that was pulled was fake.
A few parting thoughts:
-We're five episodes in and according to The Situation, they've been at the house for a little over a week. So far, we've seen them at the barber shop twice. It's not like their hair is difficult to maintain. Vinny is basically bald. The Situation and Ronnie use the few prominent strands they have and spike it. And Pauly D's hair wouldn't move if you stuck him in a F5 tornado. Boys, take the $15 and put it in the bank.
-We also get a chance to watch Pauly D do what he does as he deejay's at their favorite spot, Karma. I'm not exactly sure if the music played on the episode was the music he played during his set, but if it was, sorry Pauly D, not a fan. Do you have any other skills?
-Finally, Vinny decides he'd like to be a part of the story line and accidentally hooks up with his boss's date. Wow, Vinny! Coming out of nowhere. Up until now, the most interesting thing about Vinny was that he likes to fist pump. Now he's putting the moves on his boss's woman. Now, he may get evicted.
I'm definitely looking forward to next week.
Jersey Shore: Episode 4
I thought this was going to be our little secret. Something that you and I can discuss on our own. Without everyone else chiming in. I guess it wasn't meant to be. Now, everyone and their mother knows about the Jersey Shore. Thanks in part to the punch heard round the world as well as the 987 television appearances made by The Situation, Snooki, and Pauly D.
But it is what it is. The toothpaste is out of the tube. I can still make my tan jokes, hair gel jokes, lack of self-awareness jokes, and STD jokes. I'll just do it here from my small corner of the internet.
This week's episode is entitled "Fade To Black". I didn't think this show needed episode titles until I realized that there wouldn't be a proper way to distinguish the difference between episodes otherwise. "It was the one with the fight...no the one where The Situation hooked up with that girl....no, remember Snooki was dancing with no underwear...no that's a different one."
See? Titles are important.
Ronnie and Sammi Sweetheart are slowly becoming the most boring cast members in this show. They're like trying to have a real relationship and they like kind of care for each other. There is like depth to their personalities. It's off putting and quite frankly, I can do without it. Thanks to the two of them, the first twenty minutes of the episode was completely lacking in debauchery. This is not what I signed up for.
Thank God for The Situation and Pauly D. Both of whom bring back a lady to the house. After spending the requisite amount of time in the hot tub (which, at this point is probably growing hair), the boys decide to take these fair lasses back to the bedroom. Pauly D informs us that he is unable to have sex with his girl because she has her period (Lucky her!) and while The Situation is fumbling around for a condom, "Period Girl" says she needs to go home and puts a stop to the whole night.
The Situation and Pauly D: 0-2
Right now in the season, the JWoww and Ronnie/Sammi subplots are strictly filler. Does anyone really think JWoww's "relationship" with her boyfriend matters? She came into the house with a boyfriend and within the first ten hours, she had an eyeful of Pauly's D. Whether they're together or not is irrelevant and Pauly D knows it. The real show starts as soon as the brain trust of The Situation and Snooki L.L.C. come on screen.
Looks like Vinny is slowly becoming the Cousin Oliver of the Jersey Shore. We see him for little bit at the barber shop then again at the club, but right now, he's more of an extra.
Another night, another stop off at Karma, their Saturday night club. After a long night of dancing to house music and "beating up the beat", The Situation and Pauly D scour the club looking for a proper mate. They settle on four girls. Uh-oh! Controversy!
Initially, they bring back one set of girls to the house. Then, out of nowhere, the girls they invited previously decided to show up. Thinking that they had a better shot with the second set, The Situation and Pauly D kick out the first set. How orderly!
This is about the time in the show where the guilt came over all of us as we watched. Admit it! Because you see, The Situation and Pauly D explain to the world the intricacies of Man Law. More specifically, "The Grenade". As The Situation marked his territory (probably literally) on his girl, Pauly D was given the task of keeping her friend busy. That would be okay if it wasn't for the fact that both of them made a point of saying how unattractive she was.
Multiple times.
Oh God help her today. I mean, she did sign the waiver to not have her face blurred out. Maybe that wasn't the best decision.
Long story short, The Situation swings and misses with his girl.
The Situation and Pauly D: 0-6
Lost amid the noise and haste in this episode was the promise of Snooki getting punched in the face. And to be honest, it was a lot more nerve-wracking than I expected. Frat guys, shots being stolen, fingers being pointed, and then the punch. Granted, it was blocked out, but the retribution was swift. The culprit was in handcuffs in about five seconds and the rest will be sorted out next week. No jokes.
I'm spent.
- @robdelaney His fault. He should've had his hands in fists. Doesn't he understand science?
- @YankeesWFAN So a coaches only responsibility is to make sure his players don't mutiny?
- Amendment 28: All links should open in a separate tab.
- @YankeesWFAN But he can't hit. He hasn't had an OPS over .900 since 2009.
- Oh, I get it. It's "MAID in Manhattan". Because she's a maid.
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