It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.
Sigh, for the seventh straight year, my application for "Sexiest Man Alive" was denied. What do I got to do to get some notoriety around here? What am I lacking that Hugh Jackman has? I'm pretty sure it's because I'm not Australian. Damn Eastern Hemisphere Bias.
Hey! Guess who's coming back to the NFL? I'll give you a hint: Make it Rain. Nothing? I'll give you another one: My entourage paralyzed a strip club bouncer. That's right, Adam "Pacman" Jones is being reinstated after completing alcohol rehabilitation. If only real jobs gave you as many chances as the NFL does. In real life, you say "black coffee" and someone mishears you, you won't be able to find a job in the same country. Not in the NFL. You could slam a strippers head on the floor for all you wanted and still cash a fat check at the end of the night. Pacman is truly living the American Dream.
Mussina calls it quits.
I've never had anything against Mike Mussina. I guess I've always represented him with the demise of the Yankees dynasty. He signed an eight year deal with the Yankees back in 2001. And Game 7 of that year's Fall Classic isn't one of my favorite Yankee moments. Since 2001, the Yankees have been to the playoffs seven times, and the World Series twice, but haven't sealed the deal. And although Mussina is one of the only pitchers in the history of the free agent era to live up to an eight year deal. He was reliable, durable, and successful in pinstripes.
We can only hope for Sabathia to be the same way for the Yanks. Because, let's face it, he's coming to New York. The players association won't allow him to turn that offer down. Donald Fehr will pistol whip CC if he has to. No team is coming close to that offer either. Omar Minaya made some passing remark about how they are going after him also. But as soon as Minaya realizes that Sabathia isn't latino, his interest will diminish quickly.
As far as Teixeira goes. Look, I would love to have him. I'm sure every Yankee fan would love to have him. After 7 years of steroid using admissions, sub-par fielding, and mustache growing, the fans are looking for something a little more legitimate on first base. And Teixeira is it. Hits for power. Hits for average. Gets on base. Gold glove fielder. Great teammate. And is just a really cool dude and I hope we could hang out some time.
Best of…
There are some things in life that are just too good to be true. Things that make you want to smile, laugh, cry, gloat, thrust, and love all at once. Currently, there is nothing that makes me want to do that (maybe the Jets). Anyway, after reading this Cracked.com article, I learned there are many unnecessary greatest hits albums out in circulation. Obviously, I assumed as much. There are plenty of talentless "musicians" out there, and probably more than half of them believe they are talented enough to put out a greatest hits album. "Musicians" such as Tone Loc, John Tesh, Aaron Carter, and Vanilla Ice have all done so. Cracked does a terrific job breaking down the awfulness of each album and what some listeners think of them. After reading numbers ten through two, I couldn't even imagine who could be number one. Lo and behold it is Shaq. I hate the fact that I haven't known about this album until this day, given the fact that it was released twelve years ago. But I do understand why I haven't...It's Shaquille O'Neal Greatest Hits Album. I usually listen to music from word of mouth, and needless to say my friends weren't harrassing me with phone calls saying "HAVE YOU LISTENED TO SHOOT PASS SLAM YET?!" I do feel kind of stupid making fun of a twelve year old greatest hits album from a NBA basketball player, but after reading the song list, I couldn't resist. So with out further adieu, here it is...
1. I'm Outstanding
2. Shoot Pass Slam
3. What's Up Doc (Can we Rock)
4. Biological Didn't Bother (G-Funk Version)
5. Mic Check 1-2
6. Where Ya At?
7. (I Know I Got) Skillz
8. No Hook
9. Boom!
10. Newark to C.I.
11. My Style, My Stelo
12. Biological Didn't Bother (Original Flow)
I haven't officially HEARD any of these songs, but I have a feeling what they sound like. Probably something similar to the Kobe "How's my ass taste?" Rap. But, if that rap was an improvement to what is on this album, I can safely assume it's just Shaq grunting and moaning.
If the names of the songs are any indication, this is a non-stop, hilarity filled, rhyming-dictionaried thunderstorm. Songs like "Boom!" or "My Style, My Stelo" can only but guarantee a aesthetic journey unlike ever before. Also, if you enjoyed the G-funk version of "Biological Didn't Bother", there is a scientific certainly that the 'original flow' will blow your mind.
Horrifyingly enough, this musical masterpiece is being sold at Amazon.com for the unholy price of $11.98. So if you don't feel like eating lunch one day, order it and enjoy.
Free Agency…
So it's time. It's time for teams to start bidding on teamless players in order to make their teams better. Like an auction at Sotheby's, some of these "fine works of art" will be auctioned off for as much as $140 million over the next 6-8 years. The most coveted of all pieces is the rare "CC Sabathia". It's almost a guarantee that the New York Yankees will use the $90 million that is coming off their books to offer Sabathia the gross national product of a small South American country. CC has been waxing poetic about the fact that he doesn't want to leave California or that he is comfortable in the National League. I bet he changes his tune very quickly as soon as the Yanks hand him two sacks of money with dollar signs on them. I know its a cliche and a sad one at that, but everyone has their price. And its not like he's sacrificing much coming over to New York. For a lefty pitcher, Yankee Stadium (new one has the same dimensions) is a pitcher's park. He'll have a dynamic offense to carry him when he is off and a solid bullpen with Mo Rivera closing his games. To everyone, especially the Yankees, it sounds like a no-brainer. Need an ace. Ace is available. Get ace. Personally, I just can't get over his weight. He hasn't had any problems with it throughout his career, in fact, he has been an innings eater and a work horse. Its just that terms like "eater" and "horse" concerns me. I get the feeling that on opening day 2009, Sabathia will hurl the first pitch for a strike and then hit the dirt like Barbaro in the 2006 Preakness. There were only a few pitchers with his type of stature who could pitch long term. All I'm saying is, if the Yankees are going to invest nine figures into this guy, on a scale of David Wells to Hideki Irabu, he better be Fernando Valenzuela. Or something like that...
Fat
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Yankees acquire Nick Swisher in deal with White Sox (Link)
Me personally, I like the move. My friends, not so much. Swisher is exactly the type of player the Yankees need. I could care less how much he strikes out or how low his batting average is. He will get on base and score some runs. Brian Cashman says that they will use him a lot at first base which in turn means that they aren't getting Mark Teixeira. They're going to overpay for an overweight ace. Seems financially responsible. Speaking of which, Randy Johnson filed for free agency. Hint, Hint Yankees. Look at my eye, it's winking.
Headlines…
There are few things I hate more than school. The books, the classes, the teachers, the classmate, the #2 pencils, the study groups, the extra credit, the class participation; I hate it all. But it's irrelevant what I feel about school. It is a necessary evil to be relatively successful in life. Unless you're a trust fund baby, or you invented something by accident, you are going to have to earn everything in life. And school is a necessity. Especially college. Businesses love to see that you earned a "(Fill in Degree) of Science" or "(Fill in Degree) of Arts". I don't want to earn anything. I just want a job which will pay me a lot of money for doing A) a job I love to do or B) very little work. Why can't I do that? How come its never that easy? Why do I have to go through the motions like everyone else? I thought this was America! How come some people like John Mayer, who has no discernable talent, be so damn successful? One day, I would like to have "Singer/Songwriter" on my resume. But I digress...
Greg Oden will play tonight against the Heat (Link)
Two weeks following Oden's first game, he will play his second. At this rate, he'll play a full season in 20 years. And in 20 years he might be dead! The Blazers shouldn't push an old man beyond his physical abilities.
Jets at Patriots, Thursday at 8:15, NFL Network
SO MANY STORYLINES! ESPN must be kicking themselves that they didn't pick this game for Monday Night Football. Instead, they chose the Cleveland "We're not about the hype" Browns and the Buffalo "Afraid to win" Bills. The Jets/Patriots is like ESPN's wet dream. Brett Favre. Bill Belichick. Rivalry. Division. Handshakes. You couldn't ask for a better set up.
Romo will start against the Redskins (Link)
Finally! How long does it take to come back from a broken pinkie? Back in my day, quarterbacks broke their necks on the field and STILL played the next week. And that's the way we liked it!
Madonna says Arod has the "the heart of a poet trapped inside an insanely gorgeous body" (Link)
I don't see what the big deal is. Women tell me that all the time. I'm still baffled, as I assume all of you are, by this whole Arod/Madonna freak fest. My only guess is that Madonna is using Rodriguez for his skin.
The Minority Report
So its official. After weeks of speculation of a landslide win for Mr. Obama, Mr. Obama has done just that. As I a currently watch the news, Obama has 338 electoral votes to McCain's 155. Our next president will be Barack Hussein Obama. Quite a name. Quite a man. Quite a country. Although I didn't vote for him (I voted for Tim Tebow), I do hope he leads this country back into prosperity. Also, he better live up to that semi-promise of a playoff for college football. Even though I do believe that the conference presidents have more power than the leader of the free world. I also like the fact that a democrat is in the White House. The Yankees dominate with a pinko liberal deciding the comings and goings of this great nation. Remember, Slick Willie governed the U.S. from 1992-2000. And in that span the Yanks had 4 World Series Championships. Hell, I'll put up with the redistribution of wealth for a couple more rings on Mr. Jeter's fingers.
Anyway, how does this effect the country in general? Probably very little. Its just another president. Yes, its great that he is African American, but that won't mean anything when he takes over the clusterf*ck that George W. Bush is going to leave for him. It feels like Dubya is a teenager who threw an eight year kegger and Obama is the parents who have to clean it up. Everything is broken. The jewelry is gone. The cat is pregnant. Just a mess.
Its 12:36am, I'm exhausted. All this change has gotten me sleepy.
- @robdelaney His fault. He should've had his hands in fists. Doesn't he understand science?
- @YankeesWFAN So a coaches only responsibility is to make sure his players don't mutiny?
- Amendment 28: All links should open in a separate tab.
- @YankeesWFAN But he can't hit. He hasn't had an OPS over .900 since 2009.
- Oh, I get it. It's "MAID in Manhattan". Because she's a maid.
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