Sean B. Fitzgerald It doesn’t go something like this, it goes exactly like this.

Your 2010 Super Bowl Party Guide

As I stated in a previous post (can't remember which one), I steer away from watching sports at bars or parties. I do this because I have a hard time watching them with faux fans and their newly purchased jerseys. "Posers" if you will. Call it anti-social if you'd like, I call it stress reducing.

Anyway, many of you have been or will be invited to a Super Bowl party for this Sunday. One of your friends will open his house to 20 to 30 quasi-acquaintances and let them use his bathroom, watch his new HD television and get queso dip stains on his couch. It's my job to provide you with tips to ensure the most optimal viewing experience.

Find the real fans. I'm assuming you'll know at least 70% of the party-goers so you'll have a easy job filtering out who exactly knows what's going on during the game. There is nothing worse than accidentally getting into a conversation with someone who either knows nothing about the game or pretends to know. You'll either be inundated with questions about the two-minute warning, the challenge rules, and chop blocks or you'll be constantly correcting the guy who makes false blanket statements about Peyton Manning or the NFL in general. It's usually fun to be smarter than someone, but in this case it's just annoying. So find a few guys/girls who are legitimately knowledgeable about football and position yourself near them.

Eat lightly (early on). Like every Super Bowl party, there is about 900 different choices of food to snack on. "Oh look, someone brought a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread!" With the amount of chips, pretzels, breads, meats, and cheeses, it's easy to get ahead of yourself and before you know it, you're stuffed even before kickoff. The key is to snack lightly early on before the game and into the first half. Also, the big stuff (meats and the like) doesn't usually hit the table until midway through the second quarter. Then, after absorbing the equivalent of a horse's salt-lick in chips, you can partake in the fabulous brisket, or whatever. Like a marathon runner, it's all about pacing yourself. Don't go sprinting out of the gate. Cramps will ensue. And also like a marathon runner, your bowels will evacuate toward the finish line.

Locate the second bathroom. You know as well as I do that as soon as the host lets in the guests, there will be a line for the bathroom until the game ends. So it's key to snoop around for a while before getting settled and look for the second bathroom. If you know the host well, it won't be awkward to approach them about it. But if your at a friend of a friend's house, make sure you tread quietly while searching for that magic second toilet. It's usually on a different floor or near a kid's bedroom, so "stealth" is the optimal word. You'll be grateful you did this during halftime when the line for the primary bathroom stretches out to the neighbor's house.

If you put money on the game, don't let anyone know. Well, of course you put money on the game. But it's important that you tell no one who you bet on or how much. You don't want to look like the degenerate gambler you ends up throwing the remote at the cat when the Saints cover on a meaningless touchdown. Likewise, if you told someone you bet on the Saints and they end up losing, you'll be ridiculed all night for being stupid. Avoid letting anyone know where your gambling loyalties lie. It never ends well.

Well that's it. I'm sure I've forgot dozens of things, but I'm too lazy to think any harder. The main thing is to enjoy yourself. It's a party! There's food, football, and friends. Can't argue with that.